Scotch Thoughts and Window Reflections Season 3
by npieen
Summary: The continuation of a series begun 2 years ago. Explanation of the episode order I chose to use is in the author's note. So far I have only completed the first half of the season, but I promise to keep whittling away at it. I can't wait to learn their thoughts too ;)
1. Author's Note

**Season 3 Author's Note**

Ah! Season 3! The season where all of our hopes for Lee and Amanda begin to see the light of day. Some of Amanda's dreams too, among other things. And Lee… well, I think this is when Lee begins to see the light of day.

But season 3 used to confuse me, until I learned that a fan could play with episode order. In fact I have begun to think that it is the responsibility of the devoted fan to fix the episode order because the powers that be surely screwed that up ;) Of course there are many ways to fix it. In fact we spent much energy on JWWM discussing just how it should be done and very merrily agreed on various ways.

This is how I went about it. I had never enjoyed OTL where it was placed and one day I realized that OTL didn't have to be there. In fact, it would make great sense as one of the earliest episodes in season 3. In fact, the Q Bureau isn't even mentioned or hinted at so it could conceivably be way before Dancing Weasel. And then I saw that Leslie was mentioned in the script of Wizard and, of course, that really bothered me… until I played with the order. I like to try to figure out what the writer's intentions are and those scripts are a clue except when they get the characters so wrong, then I rely on what KJ and BB have actually done, because they are the reason I love the show so much.

So this is the order that I have used for season 3:

Welcome to America Mr. Brand

Over the Limit

Tale of the Dancing Weasel

We Are Off to See the Wizard

A Lovely Little Affair

Utopia Now

Sour Grapes

JE Ghost

Reach For the Sky

Flight to Freedom

The Wrong Way Home

And that is as much of season 3 that I have ready to publish. Yup! In one whole year I have only nailed down the first half of the season. A combination of the complexity in Lee and Amanda's thoughts and my real life has slowed my writing production way down. But I am eager to move forward, so, no worries. I have every intention of finishing these stories for the whole show, even if it takes me another three years.

And now without further ado… Here are the Season Three Scotch Thoughts and Window Reflections…


	2. Scotch Thoughts Welcome to America Mr B

**1**

 **Scotch Thoughts**

 **Welcome to America Mr. Brand**

Relaxing back into the cushion of the couch with what he was sure was a hard earned scotch in one hand and rubbing the back of his neck with the other, Lee tried to work out the remainder of the kinks from his check up with "Dr. Pain". He yawned. He was sore and tired, but as he surveyed his surroundings, he tried to find the familiar rest that he was used to feeling in his apartment at the end of the day. "Perfect! Everything in his life was perfect," he told himself but for some reason the satisfaction felt almost wooden. Why?

He could easily reflect on the circumstances of this last case with pleasure. He now had a partner that was becoming better and better with each case they worked together on. Amanda sure was growing in her confidence with the job. When he had first met her, she had been a lot like the vacationing MI6 accountant they had just hosted, James Brand. She had come across as overly enthusiastic and completely out of her element. Back then he had thought that she had been entertaining herself with ridiculous fantasies about being a spy. Now, she really was a partner. She even had the chutzpah to use his clearance to conduct searches on her own. Actually, in this case both she and Brand had been right, and Lee had been able to recognize that there was something to their ideas and follow their instincts. Gone were the days of the cocky, lone Scarecrow, huh? He was beginning to become aware that working with Amanda was causing him to grow too. Maybe he was maturing as an agent? Maybe he was becoming more like Emily, seasoned and wise, -a mentor. He could see that others had something to offer as well. Hadn't Emily told him almost a year ago that he had needed to improvise as he worked with Amanda because she might have something to offer? This week he had even been able to use some of the things Brand had suggested, like the cobra death grip. Haha! Now that was funny. He had actually made that one up, and yet it had worked. It had been the only thing that Brand had made up. Maybe if you believe in someone enough you can begin to see the gold in each person? Now he was beginning to sound like Amanda, which wasn't a bad thing; Amanda did have a lot to offer, didn't Lee know that? And when she poked her index finger in his chest and called him "Big Fella", he had no choice but to take her ideas seriously. He was glad that Brand hadn't been a grabber. Maybe the week would have been simpler if James had just been a boring accountant like he had first surmised, but then, on the other hand, he had helped stop a huge international financial fiasco and the whole case had brought more credence to Amanda at the Agency, and Lee knew that Amanda deserved that.

Lee swung his feet up onto the couch and stretched out his long legs. It was hard to get comfortable with the way his body ached. He was exhausted. He tossed back the remainder of his scotch and placed the glass on the sofa table behind him. Now if only he could get some sleep. He had been having the darndest time falling and staying asleep lately. He had started having such vivid dreams recently and they were becoming disturbing. But at that moment he thought he just might be able to.

Moments later, he awakened with a start. It was those damned dreams that weren't letting him sleep once he had finally fallen asleep. They were so unsettling. Amanda was often in them. In the one that had just awakened him, Amanda had been in terrible danger and he had known he wouldn't be able to get to her in time. He was always able to wake himself up from them and reorient himself to reality. But the content of the dream would hang around him for hours afterwards. At least this one wasn't like the other type of dream he often had. Those were a little harder to shake late at night…. Those often required a cold shower and then it took forever to fall back to sleep and made showing up for work and seeing Amanda in the morning rather awkward for him; after all Amanda was his partner and friend. She was also the mother of two young sons. He had no business having dreams like that about her. It was just because he was spending too much time focused on his job and working with Amanda. He knew what he needed to do in order to shake those dreams.

He reached behind him for the phone. He should probably call Leslie right now. That was another part of his life that was shaping up perfectly. Now he had the perfect girlfriend and things were going smoothly. It had been a couple of weeks since they'd had dinner together for the first time. That had been an enjoyable evening. After just a couple of dates he could confidently say that she was a beautiful woman inside and out. She seemed like the kind of woman he could have a real relationship with. But they hadn't been able to take it any further than those first few evenings together because Leslie travelled a lot with her job as a translator. She had only been in DC on a short assignment, although she came to the Capitol often enough to make a relationship work, he figured. In fact, she would be back in a couple of days for a whole week. Actually, the fact that she wasn't around a lot was probably a good thing. It gave him more time to focus single mindedly on his job. He and Amanda often had to spend long hours on cases, and it would be stressful to think about juggling the time he needed to be working with Amanda and time set aside for a relationship with Leslie. Yes, this was a perfect set up. It would leave him with time to devote to each.

So if everything was turning out so perfectly, why couldn't he sleep? It was becoming chronic. It wasn't due to the stress of his job. He found work enjoyable and energizing at the moment. Maybe he could attribute it to this new kind of relationship he was trying to build with Leslie? This was new territory for him, and he wasn't sure how to proceed. Maybe he was experiencing anxiety about that and it was keeping him awake, and maybe the lack of sleep was causing him to feel wooden when he wasn't distracted by work? He was pretty darn sure that this relationship with Leslie was the right thing to pursue. Leslie was perfect for him. He just needed to relax and have more fun with her, that was it. When was the last time he could remember having a fun evening out? His thoughts kept going back to that New Year's Eve party at the Russian Embassy last year. It wasn't a date actually, but Amanda had looked fabulous and Lee had really enjoyed himself. He bet that if he'd had Leslie with him in a situation like that it could be one of the most enjoyable evenings of his life.

Maybe he just needed to think about moving his relationship with Leslie forward during this next visit. He just needed to get over his concern about how to make that happen though. He had decided that he wanted to find someone he could possibly have a long-term relationship with, someone who was not just beautiful but also intelligent and looking for something stable themselves. He knew what to do with the women he used to spend time with, but this was different and it seemed difficult and he couldn't figure out why. This was new territory; maybe that was what was keeping him up at night? He found himself yawning now and closed his eyes. It would be good to break up the work with some fun with Leslie. He needed to find a way to not be so wrapped up in work and Amanda.

Wrapped up in Amanda? The ringing of the phone in his lap added to the jarring effect of this last thought. He grabbed the receiver as if it was assaulting him. "Oh, hello! Leslie!"

.


	3. Window Reflections Welcome to America Mr

**1**

 **Window Reflections**

 **Welcome to America Mr. Brand**

Sliding into her station wagon, Amanda took a deep breath and looked around the familiar car. There were no levers and pull toggles. There were just the familiar dials and buttons, and the interior was a bit worn by children and their gear. Of course the car also had a few marks and scrapes and new parts that only she was aware of. Well, Lee and the Agency mechanics knew of them as well. James' car had been flashy and full of imaginary bells and whistles. In some ways the cars were like the two of them. She was a suburban mom who wanted more than folding nappies, and he was a British accountant who wanted to be James Bond. Huh, she laughed to herself. What a week she just had.

She had never really liked it when the Agency had used her to be the hospitality liaison for other country's intelligence agencies. The only other time her tour guide role had been enjoyable was the time she had taken Emily Farnsworth on a tour of DC. The last visitor hadn't been able to keep his hands to himself at all, and she had told Lee that she would only do that again if he could ensure that the visitor was a gentleman. James was most definitely not a grabber. He truly was a wonderful, if not slightly exasperating, man. At first she had been prepared to spend the evening full of conversations about pensions and expenditures. She was not at all prepared to encounter a man who couldn't take the smoke of his own cigarette and tucked the table cloth into his pants all while trying to be one of England's smoothest operatives. And when he asked her for her help because she could add a fresh perspective she was intrigued. When he told her they were kindred spirits because they both marched to the beat of a different drummer, something had clicked for her.

It was so true. After the past two years of wrestling with her draw towards the spy work that she had been lead into, she had finally accepted it as her life's work. She really had. She had always wanted more. That was one of the reasons that she hadn't initially objected to her ex-husband Joe's ideas about doing more with his law degree than just playing it safe and working in Arlington. She did like adventure, but she was also committed to raising her family. And for years she didn't think she could have both. The fierce desire to provide a home for her children had caused the death of her marriage and had almost consigned her to a boring suburban life. She had always wanted more, but she'd had to make some difficult choices that she thought were best for her children. And now she had so much more. Sometimes she wasn't sure how to balance it all.

James had been so sweet when he had told her to never change. She smiled to herself. She had already changed in so many ways, and yet, she was still so much the same. She would never be a glamorous woman like Francine – she didn't really want to be, but she hoped that someday she would not get so frustrated when Francine said something to purposely take her down a notch. Maybe someday she would even give Francine a piece of her mind. Francine aside though, what she really wanted for herself was to be able to hold her own at the Agency and work right alongside of all them while being true to herself.

As Amanda prepared to back out of her parking space, she caught her reflection in the driver's side window. She looked tired and a little sad. It had been an exciting case, but it had been unusual too. Usually, she and Lee worked more closely together, and anything that she had been able to accomplish on a case had been done because she was helping him. She contributed, but usually Lee led the way. This week was different. It was as if she had been in Lee's position and James had taken her spot. She was the one watching out for some rookie, keeping him out of trouble and speaking up for his ideas. Eventually, Lee had begun to believe what James had discovered about Clayton Dobbs; he had even stood up for their ideas with Billy. That had been a new experience. Lee hadn't just wanted Amanda's help; he helped her to pursue her theories.

But there had been a slightly different dynamic between them, and Amanda wasn't sure how she felt about it. She had left the Agency today alone. She had been in the office without Lee all afternoon. Usually she was busy with his reports or doing his busy work. Today she sat next to Francine in the bull pen and had written up her own report and then was finished and left. Lee must have been busy with his own case. After saying goodbye to James, he had just walked off to do his own thing and left them alone and that had been that. She had grown so accustomed to being by his side, at his arm, actually. He always had it guiding her at the small of her back. She hadn't always been aware of it at the time, but she had missed it. Maybe that was part of becoming more experienced in the business, maybe it was because Lee viewed her as more of a trusted partner than as some civilian that he had to take care of. Nobody else in the Agency had someone walk them through the bull pen like that. Now she even had her own desk area in there. She kind of missed that close connection with Lee though. It did make her sad.

She knew that she was the one that needed to be watching out for James at the garden party, but she didn't like watching Lee go off to work the party with Francine at his side. After Francine's mean comment about her outfit, she had the distinct impression that Francine was gloating over this change. Would things be different like this more often now that Amanda was getting more agent training? Would Amanda work with a variety of other agents now? Maybe she wasn't really his official partner, maybe he had only been her trainer? When she had finally completed this next level of training, would the powers that be give her someone else to be her partner and place Lee with a partner that had more skills like Francine? These ideas didn't sit well with her and an uneasiness began to form in her stomach.

She didn't really know what the next step at the Agency was for her. At least she knew that she and Lee could still connect, and during this Clayton Dobbs case, she had really felt like Lee had a greater respect for her input than he'd ever had before. He had listened to her opinions and didn't just dismiss them; after all, he went to his contact T.P. to research James' and her suspicions about Dobbs. He had even gotten them into the garden party when Billy had not wanted them there.

So maybe things were changing again, maybe she was taking another step towards becoming even more professional. She was being treated like a professional by others, well, except Francine. At the same time she knew that she would never change. She wasn't going to become some sort of hardened agent. Her strength was in being Amanda. James had told her to never change and she knew better than to try too hard to be something she wasn't. That fiasco at Station One a year ago was proof of that. Just like James had realized that being James Pott was enough and he didn't need to be something spectacular like James Bond, she was just Amanda King, but she was Amanda King!

Earlier in the week she had been swept up in the romance and fairytale glamour of the British royals. Her mother had been filling her imaginations with family trees and connections to ruling families. Philip and Jamie had been pretending to be the "Amazing" and "Not-so-Amazing" King, and James Pott had been trying to enact his fantastical ideas about being a secret agent like James Bond. She'd had illusions of grandeur like that too when Lee had first brought her into the life of the Agency. Her own words from the other day came back to her now as she sat contemplating her current situation in her station wagon outside the Agency. "The best things really do happen when you don't try too hard." She'd had to work hard and be open to learning a lot of new things, but she didn't have to try hard to be an agent like Francine, she just had to be Amanda. It was something that she always knew, but sometimes she needed to remind herself. James' words were true, she wanted more from her life, but she also loved what she already had - her home with Mother and the boys, an exciting job that made a difference in the world and her friendship with Lee. It would be nice to go back to the dynamic she and Lee had before this week when she'd had James as her responsibility; at least she hoped things would go back to the way they were. She had grown accustomed to the comradery that she shared with Lee as part of the job; work would be very different if he wasn't a daily part of it. She wondered if that would be okay with her.


	4. Scotch Thoughts Over the Limit

**2**

 **Scotch Thoughts**

 **Over The Limit**

What a difference 24 hours could make! Last night as Lee had returned to his apartment after walking Amanda down the hall to the elevator, he could feel tension so thick he could barely move. This time, however, he felt relaxed and happily peaceful.

Last night he couldn't figure out what had happened. One minute he and Amanda were clicking like one agent as they tried to get O'Keefe on their hook. And then, boom, everything had changed as he had pushed his apartment door open. Those moments were still a blur to him now as he thought about it. All he knew was that the walk back to the elevator last night seemed to take place with an entirely different woman. He had never experienced Amanda like that. He could not figure out what had gotten into her. He had meant no harm by asking her if she was going home. He had only been trying to stay focused on the case. He couldn't figure out for the life of him what had gotten her so incredibly defensive and ornery or why she had lashed out at him about Leslie. Not his type because she was normal? And after all those times she had encouraged him to try normal. Didn't she understand? If he hadn't known Amanda so well, he would have thought that she was jealous of Leslie.

And to make matters worse, he had completely messed things up with Leslie once he had returned to his apartment and the dinner she had prepared for him. He really should have been more present with her, but his mind was so occupied with thoughts about Amanda and her angry response in the hall that he had made the worst faux pas a man could make. He had called Leslie Amanda! Even remembering it now made him uncomfortable. He could tell that Leslie had tried to overlook it. Telling her that Amanda was special probably had not been the right choice of words for that moment, but "special" had been the word that had popped into his head. He supposed that getting called to the meet by Rollins had been the nail in the coffin for the night, but he was actually relieved to be called away. At least he could do something productive with that disaster of an evening.

But he wasn't even in luck then. No, he and Francine had been ambushed and caught and basically up a creek with no paddle and who should come to their rescue but "go home Amanda!" And what had he done after she had created the needed distraction and saved the night? He had yelled at her about her attempt to use a gun! He knew she hated the things. He should have been impressed that she had shot it at all, let alone hit her mark. "Oh, Stetson, you were just brilliant!" He couldn't help chiding himself even now.

And things hadn't gotten any better when he had finally gotten home. There, on the perfectly clean dining table, was a polite note from Leslie expressing her sadness that their evening had been cut short. After pouring himself a double shot of scotch, he had put himself in bed to endure an eternal night tossing and turning alone with his thoughts.

How had he gotten himself in this spot and how was he ever going to get himself out of it? He had been in tight spots physically numerous times in his life, and every time he had kept his wits about him and had been able to get himself free. This was no different; it was a tight spot, he just needed to focus and find a way to a comfortable solution. He didn't understand much about what was actually going on with himself or with Amanda for that matter. But he knew that the conflict with Amanda was bothering him a whole lot more than the loused up evening with Leslie. Trying to figure out how so much tension had crept into the easy friendship they shared was eating away at him. The need to get back to the way things were before they had gotten so tense was occupying every part of his brain. If things with Amanda were off, he was off; it seemed like everything in his life was off.

Just days ago he had been trying to tell himself that everything was perfect. Who had he been fooling? He hadn't been able to sleep for the past two weeks or so, and it was beginning to affect him at work. Sure, everyone thought it was because his social life had ratcheted up a few notches, but that couldn't have been farther from the truth. The past few days had been a whirlwind of tension. He had been so preoccupied with trying to make this visit with Leslie perfect, and yet, he had never been able to achieve what he had wanted to in this new relationship. He was able to acknowledge that none of that had been due to Leslie; something had been off with him. And it had spilled over from his personal life into his job; somehow he must have said or done something that had caused Amanda to get irritated with him. Could it have been something that he had said about the dress that he'd wanted to get for Leslie? He hadn't meant any harm by it. He had made sure to tell Amanda how much he had enjoyed the New Year's Eve party and how fabulous she had looked in that dress. He thought he knew how to communicate with women. But Amanda had always been different than any other woman he had known. She was one of a kind, just like that damned dress. Maybe it shouldn't have surprised him that she had taken offense? It probably would have gone better if he had just come out and told Amanda about Leslie. He had gone over in his head a hundred times how to tell her and each time it had seemed straight forward enough, and yet, every time he'd had a chance he just couldn't find a way to broach the subject. In fact, he had flat out denied that he had a date or a girlfriend. That had become part of the tension for him and as much as he knew it was causing him stress, he couldn't figure out why.

Her little eye roll and attitude had been easy enough to brush off. Trying to imagine Leslie in a beautiful black dress like Amanda's had been enough to occupy his mind, until he had gotten the call from Billy about the bombing. Then every thought other than Amanda quickly flew from his head. Not only was he worried sick about her safety, he was tearing himself up with guilt that he had been shopping for some stupid dress and he wasn't with her when the bomb had exploded. The panic that he felt as he searched for her among the debris was equal and opposite to the great relief he felt as he finally held Amanda there on the hill. But it was short lived when he looked into her eyes as she watched Manny lead Elizabeth Sullivan away. He knew that she believed that Elizabeth Sullivan was innocent, and she was determined to help her. He could see it in her countenance. He had told her so much outside Billy's office. Her response had hurt and confused him. Was she mad that he had left her alone to do the Spring Cleaning? He was already so sorry about it, but it was unlike Amanda to throw it in his face like that. For the rest of the day the only thing that had been on his mind was seeing her smile at him again.

He wasn't going to let anything else slide. Being able to secure Elizabeth's release was the right thing to do. Lee had been nervous while waiting to catch Amanda's eye. Watching Elizabeth embrace her husband and child confirmed it for him. Hearing Amanda say "good job" had been the best part of that whole day. After that, things had seemed to improve and felt more normal between them. In fact, the next day they had clicked so well that not only had they made huge progress in hooking O'Keefe, but Lee had completely forgotten about Leslie waiting alone at the hotel for him to contact her with plans for the evening.

And that was when things had begun to go so wrong all over again. All Lee had wanted to do was try to have a real relationship with someone normal. He had thought that moving on from his playboy days would be more satisfying. He was beginning to see that here was value in being known by someone and knowing them in return. But why was it so difficult? He had yet to really be able to allow himself to get to know Leslie. All they had done was have a few dinners together. He still hadn't figured out how to move beyond that. And then being faced with having the woman he had identified as the perfect candidate for this new kind of relationship in the same room as his partner and a person that he was beginning to think of as a close friend made him feel like he had wanted to crawl out of his skin. It had been too much! For some reason he didn't want those two parts of his life to mix.

What he did know right now was that his friendship with Amanda was primary. There would be other embassy dinner parties to go to with Leslie if she wanted to. But if he didn't work things out with Amanda, the life that he had grown accustomed to would be shattered. He knew how it felt to think about life without Amanda in it, he could remember the blow to his gut when Amanda had told him that she was leaving the Agency to work for Jordan, and he did not want to go through that again if he didn't have to. When he had been working on the Bracken case and had slapped Amanda while undercover as a burnout, he'd had to go into uncomfortable territory to heal their friendship. He was prepared to do what it took to fix this too. He trusted Amanda, and he knew his trust was hard earned, but he did and it was important to him the she trust him as well. Whatever had caused the conflict that was bubbling up between them had to be resolved.

He had lain awake the rest of the night planning the whole day. He would call Amanda and give her the news on the Sullivan case. He would offer to pick her up and take her to their boat to deliver the news to the Sullivans in person. Before he left though, he would go to the local market and pick up some steaks and potatoes and a decent bottle of wine. Nothing too fancy, just a basic meal for two friends to share, two good friends. But before all of that, he would call Leslie and let her know that something big had come up at work and he would have to cancel for the party at the Russian Embassy. Well, it was true. Getting things worked out with Amanda was a huge part of his job going smoothly. It was a huge part of his life going smoothly. And Leslie would understand, besides, she was working while attending the party, she had her own invitation, she wouldn't be lonely. It was remarkable how well he had slept when he had finally settled on the plan.

It was a simple enough plan. But he had been so nervous today when he asked Amanda if she was free tonight. Why had he felt so insecure asking her? He felt like a teenager asking some girl to a dance for the first time. Maybe it was because he was inviting Amanda over into his personal space. He was acknowledging that their friendship was more than a work-related thing. It was true, after all. It had become an essential part of his life. And in recognizing that, it opened him up to a deeper loss if anything ever happened to her or their friendship. That was a completely new thing for Lee Stetson.

Lee had now reentered his apartment and was standing at his bar pouring himself a small glass of scotch. An evening together with Amanda, alone, with no shop talk might have been a new thing for him, but it sure was a pretty enjoyable thing. Tonight had been so nice. He had known it would be the minute he saw her smile there on the dock. They really didn't have as much time together with "no shop talk" as they should. It had been so pleasant; it was so comfortable to just be with a friend! A friend that he could share many aspects of his life with. He hadn't known that in so long. For some reason, tonight, it made his apartment feel like a home; there was life in it and warmth and friendship. Things didn't look polished; there were still coffee cups on the table and a few books and records where they had left them after perusing his collections. They'd had easy conversations, and without actually saying the words, he had known that she had forgiven him for the hurtful things he had said, and he had been able to get past her short tempered responses of last night. Amanda could do things that frustrated, confused and sometimes even angered him, but always in the end, he was thankful for her faithful friendship. He was just glad that they could relax and enjoy each other's presence tonight, especially after the past few days. He was beginning to understand that being with another person who knew you, who knew almost everything about you was relaxing. Well, no one could ever know everything about Lee, but if anyone could, it would be Amanda.

Turning from the revelry of his thoughts, he noticed the blinking light on the answering machine. Oh no, Leslie! He hadn't thought of Leslie once tonight. He must have missed the call while he was in the hall. Pushing the button he heard Leslie's voice. "Hello, Lee. The embassy party was as lovely and as boring as they usually are. I am sure if you had been there it would have been the most delightful evening. But I understand and I hope you got everything straightened out for work. I missed you tonight. But I am so thankful for the wonderful time we had together these past few days. I will be flying out early in the morning for New York, so I guess I won't get a chance to see you again on this visit, but I look forward to hearing your voice soon. Au revoir, mon Cherie." Turning away from the machine and Leslie's message, he took one more appreciative look at the used but comfortable appearance of his apartment this evening. He sighed a contented sigh and headed to bed. He was certain he would be able to sleep tonight.


	5. Window Reflections Over the Limit

**2**

 **Window Reflections**

 **Over the Limit**

After leaving the boat basin with Lee, they had headed back to the Agency to write up their individual reports on the case. She had already done most of hers, so it hadn't taken her long. There had been nothing else at the Agency left for her to do, so she had gone home. She wanted to stay busy, so she had baked a cake. Now she was done, the cake was sitting on the counter; she had cleaned up the kitchen and still had time to spare. Her constant activity had stilled, and she couldn't hold the thoughts off any longer. Mother was upstairs preparing for her weekend away with Daddy's friend, and the boys were on overnights with friends. Lee wasn't expecting her for a while. She was completely alone with her thoughts, and they were rushing in on her now. As she stared out the window, they took her on a journey over an unfamiliar landscape.

Mother was having romantic interludes with a man other than her Father? She was ordering sexy lingerie? She was a woman with needs and desires! It still made her feel odd. She was used to her mother going out with various men on casual dates. Amanda did the same thing… at least she had in the past. But this seemed different. These "needs and desires" were different. Although she was her mother, she was right, she was a woman. So was Amanda. She had been so focused on her new career and how it was meeting needs and desires that had lain dormant for so long that she had pushed aside her needs and desires as a woman. Hearing her mother talk of such things had jarred her. And it had made her aware of herself. Maybe she was using her professional growth with the Agency work to push the needs and desires away because she hadn't really wanted to deal with them?

If her mother's activities hadn't been enough to shake her awake, then Lee's apparent ones had. She hadn't had time last night to think about her responses to his obvious new personal situation because she had been too upset and full of adrenaline. It was probably for the best that she hadn't been able to do much more than fall into bed and try to shut herself down for sleep. Watching O'Keefe by herself and then wielding a gun to save Francine and Lee had been completely new territory for her. Having Lee yell at her afterwards was the last straw, and she was ready to block everything out for a while.

But today had been a new day. Elizabeth Sullivan was safe; her family's fishing business would be able to provide for them; the case was closed. And Lee had changed his plans for the evening and had invited her over for a dinner with no shop talk instead of accompanying Leslie to a fancy embassy dinner. If she didn't get a grip on all of the various and impetuous emotions that she had reacted to over the past few days, tonight's dinner could be more on her nerves than she had bargained for.

"Needs and Desires." Those words kept echoing in her head even as she heard her mother moving around upstairs. For so long Amanda had put hers on the back burner. Sure, this developing adventure in the world of espionage met a lot of needs and desires that she'd had to ignore when she became a mother and then a single mother. But she had also put her needs as a woman to sleep as well. Dean hadn't been anything that she really desired, that relationship had been mostly what she had felt she should pursue for the sake of the boys and at the urging of her mother. But it hadn't met any of her needs or desires.

And then she had met Lee. She worked with a very attractive and charming man. Sure, early on she knew that if she didn't keep her practical side vigilant she could have been swept away with fantasies that working with a man like Lee could feed. Instead, they had become good friends, and she had grown to care for him very deeply. She loved him. But she could never be in love with him. She'd had this conversation with herself before. If you loved someone, you set them free. She might care a great deal for Lee and find him excessively attractive, but he would never be the right man for her. And this week it had become blazingly clear that he would never see her as the right woman for him. And that really needed to be okay for her.

When Lee had first entered the bullpen the other morning, she had thought that he was back to his old tricks. It had surprised her because she hadn't seen him so out of sorts like that for a long time. It was easier to keep a distance if he was busy being a playboy. It had also made her feel disappointed with him. But that would have been easier to digest than what had really transpired. She had been worried about him because of his disheveled appearance. She wasn't sure if it could be another cover like that burned out agent one he had used a while back or some crazy tryst with a new woman or actually really insomnia like he had said. So she asked him as they were walking. Did he have a date? And he had denied that there was anything new going on in his life. He had proceeded to remember that wonderful time they'd had together on New Year's Eve. It had been a wonderful night, well, until the borscht. She didn't know that Lee would have remembered anything she had worn, and she had felt very pleased that he could remember the dress she had made for the occasion - until he had told her why he was asking. That had made her white hot mad, and that should have been her first flag that she needed to check herself. She hadn't had time though to pay attention to her emotions. Elizabeth Sullivan and Save the Bay had captured her attention. It was always helpful to plunge herself into someone's cause when her emotions were on tender hooks. Elizabeth's goals were similar to her own; she was a mom with a mission to make the world a better place for her family, and Amanda had no trouble identifying with her and wanting to help her.

And then everything had exploded…literally! She hadn't known what had happened. It was like a wall had hit her. And she had been alone, all by herself. And then Lee was there and he had pulled her to himself and was holding her. And she wasn't sure how she felt about it. She was glad he had found her, but his embrace was nowhere near as comforting as it had been at other times or what she had wanted it to be. Nothing was comforting. Elizabeth was in jail; no one believed that she was innocent and Amanda was still alone. She was, however, determined to help Elizabeth even if no one else would, Agency or not. And to top all of that off she still didn't know what was going on with Lee or how she felt about it. He'd told her that he had noticed her determined look, and she had just wished that he hadn't mentioned noticing. For some reason she was responding personally. In fact, she had been mad at him. Why? Because he had a new girlfriend? And to make things even more confusing, he had denied it again.

She had still been angry with Lee while she had been at the police station trying to help Elizabeth's case. Her anger had melted just a bit when she'd become aware that Lee had followed her there. And yet, even after he had managed to get Elizabeth released, she had felt on edge with him. She shook her head to herself as she thought of how she had said "good move" to him, as if he had to prove something to her. What had Lee done wrong that day that she would feel so strongly that he had to make something up to her? Was it the fact that he had taken her up on her suggestion that she do the rest of the Spring Cleaning interviews on her own? Or was it the fact that he wanted to buy a dress like hers for a "friend"? Maybe it was because he wasn't being honest with her about the fact that there was obviously something significant going on in his life and he wasn't sharing it with her. They were good friends, right?

Yes, they were good friends. And when they got a chance to work together, they were good partners too. The rest of that day and the next had been like she always wanted it to be. They had partnered together to help the Sullivans just like she had become used to. It had been a while since they had been able to work that closely on a case - since the time he had moved into her neighborhood so he could infiltrate MSE, actually. Between his traveling and her sons' summer vacations and being assigned to entertain James Brand they really hadn't had a regular case together in a while. But they had connected easily with each other again. They fed off of each other, they supported each other, and they were good with each other.

Everything was flowing… until they had returned to Lee's apartment and found a beautiful and normal Leslie setting the table for a romantic intimate dinner. It had thrown her for all sorts of loops! In fact, she hadn't known that she was jealous, but looking back that was the only logical response, if anything she felt could have been called logical. Maybe all of the pressure from the unsettledness of the past few days had caught up with her? Maybe her mother's words and choices and Lee's odd behavior and how it had made her feel combined with the unsettledness she felt about the challenges that she was facing at work and in the shooting range were all crashing in on her and she lost it there and then in front of Lee?

All that she could see was that this woman in Lee's apartment wasn't some Randi-baby. She was a normal woman like herself. But she wasn't like herself. Leslie traveled; she rubbed elbows with dignitaries. Amanda just went to school dinners, the grocery store and straight home again. And she was so mad and felt so unnoticeable! And then and there she had decided that she was going to do what she felt she should do with or without Lee. And it was a good thing she had too, even though it had put her in a position that was so out of her league! Despite the fact that earlier that morning she had set a new record for an all-time low Agency score during her first training session on the shooting range, she had picked up that gun, and she had saved Lee and Francine. And then he had yelled at her!

She had been so riled last night that she had barely slept a wink. She had felt like crying, but she was too mad to let herself. She had been terribly jealous, but not just because Lee had chosen Leslie for a normal relationship. She wondered what would happen to their friendship. She had spent the greater part of two years befriending this difficult man. She had never really expected that anything more than friendship would happen between them, but if he had a normal person as a girlfriend, maybe he wouldn't have as much time or need for their friendship? So much would change. Adding that to her mother's "needs and desires" made her feel very unsettled about things that she had begun to take for granted as constants in her life.

Finally, morning had come, and Lee had called. With the new day, things had seemed to go back to how they normally were, like they had been yesterday before they had entered his apartment. They were busy with the resolution of the case, and all the turmoil from the night before had seemed to be swept under the rug. But the lump was still there until they were heading up the dock and Lee had asked her over for dinner. He had chosen not to go to the Russian Embassy with Leslie? Instead, he had invited her for a steak and potato dinner with red wine and no shop talk?

She wasn't entirely sure what to make of this change in plans. At least now she knew that their friendship was just as important to him as it was to her. She was extremely glad for that. She also knew that in order to be able to enjoy their friendship tonight she had needed to be honest with herself; she knew all too well what happened if she wasn't. She had lost her composure last night, and it had been even worse than that time she had lost it at the Cumberland years ago. She never wanted to have that happen again. She could be the friend, she desperately wanted to.

She wasn't the right woman for Lee, and he wasn't the right man for her. Leslie was intelligent and connected and moved in the same circles as Lee did. Amanda would need a family man who knew about raising boys and suburbs. But she could be his friend and she knew that he wanted her to be his friend. She knew it was as important to him as it was to her. No, she wasn't a lot of things. But she was a spy and a mother and she was Lee's friend, and she was going to take this cake over to his apartment and they were going to enjoy steak and potatoes and wine and no shop talk for a change. That would be nice.


	6. Scotch Thoughts Dancing Weasel

**3**

 **Scotch Thoughts**

 **The Tail of the Dancing Weasel**

It wasn't often that Lee got a chance to have a relaxing day off the clock, like the one he'd just enjoyed. He and Amanda had ended up spending the whole afternoon at Harry's little country place outside of DC. It had been refreshing just to kick back with a couple of colleagues after the resolution of such a pivotal case for the Agency. He had been worried about Harry ever since he had heard the name Harry V. Thornton mentioned in the Crawford case. It was good to see Harry comfortable with his cat, Ike, amidst his plants, especially now that he knew that the old man was finally really retired.

Harry sure seemed to take a liking to Amanda though. It had surprised him that Harry had asked Amanda of all people to spy on him. He realized that it probably shouldn't have. The last time he had met with Harry, he had told him all about her. Well, Harry had pried it all out of him; he had a way of doing that. Lee often felt as if he had undergone a soft interrogation after his lunch meetings with the former director. It never really bothered him because he knew that Harry was just watching out for him. It had actually felt good to have someone to talk about Amanda with. There really wasn't anybody else that he could have told how much he was growing to trust and like working with his housewife, civilian partner. The past two years had at times been a bewildering and exasperating experience, but he had changed and thought that he was the better for it. Often his thoughts about things had startled him and being able to sort through some of them out loud with Harry had been helpful.

With his scotch glass in hand, he headed over to the couch and relaxed into it. This evening he was so comfortable that he let his thoughts just meander. His thoughts stayed a bit longer with the man who had original hired him. Lee had always taken comfort in his relationship with Harry. In such a topsy-turvy business as his, there were few constants. This last case was a perfect example. Agents will betray their countries and fellow agencies; they get scooched, and others have to do the scooching. They can be exposed as double agents, triple agents even. They are spies, they are into espionage and deception. They will even follow you when you tell them not to. That last thought brought a smile to his face.

To be an agent was to be part of a ruthless game, and yet, there were people in his life like Harry and Amanda. In this game there were a few people and relationships that could be trusted. Over the years, he realized, he had developed a handful of friendships that were truly faithful and even rather foundational in his life. There had been a period in his life when he would have called anybody his friend just because he was slightly acquainted with them. Recently though, the word "friend" had taken on some real meaning for him again.

A friend was someone that he trusted completely because they were faithful to the core. They were faithful to him just because that was who they were; they were faithful to the relationship no matter what. They were the kind of people who meant what they said, and their actions backed that up. They had no agenda in their friendship with him other than to be his friend. It didn't matter how angry they got at him or he at them, they would be there for him the next day and he would be there for them. He had always been aware that Emily and Harry were important people in his life. But somehow, just like with Emily, having Harry know Amanda and trust her and work with her and she with him… well, it was just …. He laughed at himself as the word "cozy" popped into his head. There was no other way to describe it. He supposed the Agency shrink would say that he was becoming integrated. He would tell him that he was healthier that way; if an agent became too compartmentalized, it could lead to burnout. Lee knew what the books said.

In the past, his life felt disjointed. He had his work identity as the lone agent Scarecrow. And in social settings he would take on any number of different identities depending on who he was trying to impress. And then he had his own personal life as Lee and not many people knew that part of him. Somehow Harry had gotten to know him well enough that they had been able to become real, personal friends. And over these past two years, Amanda had been able to see right through his Scarecrow persona and become his friend. His life wasn't as disjointed anymore. The other morning when he and Billy were heading up to the Q Bureau after scooching Crawford was a perfect example. The last time he had seen Amanda before that morning was at their "no shop-talk dinner" that weekend. He was genuinely happy to see her that morning in the Georgetown Foyer and have her help him with the Q Bureau. The day's work was just a continuation of the comfortable enjoyable time that they had shared together during their dinner. He wasn't sure if he could put his finger on why he was so aware of these changes happening to him, he only knew that he didn't feel as shiftless as he used to; he felt more grounded and surrounded by stable, solid, real, wholesome relationships. Maybe it was just a result of taking that step towards having a real friendship with someone.

But there was one thing gnawing away at this new contentment, a relentless question that he desperately wanted to ignore but couldn't. Could a man, could _he_ really have a close friendship with a woman? It was bothering him. There were times when he fought with himself. Amanda was his friend, and he wouldn't, he couldn't have it any other way. It was important to him. And he wanted it that way. And yet, he couldn't help but wonder sometimes if there was a current of something else. Like the other week when she had gotten so out of whack in his hallway after meeting Leslie. He had caught himself wondering then if she had been jealous. And on this case he couldn't stop himself from wondering if she was acting jealously when she had followed him, but he now knew it was because Harry had asked her to. Had she thought his personal errand had something to do with Leslie even after that nice dinner they'd had together when he had chosen their friendship over the dinner party at the Russian embassy? When he had asked her if she had something to tell him, as frustrated as he was that she was definitely hiding something from him, he had to admit to himself that a part of him was wondering if she would make some sort of confession about how she felt about him. And later that day when they had shared heated words after she had followed him to Harry's… well, an angry Amanda was attractive and the pull he felt towards her while they were fighting was almost as aggravating as the argument.

For all those 24 months that he had been working with Amanda, he'd been fighting this attraction to her. Sometimes it had been harder than others. Always it was completely aggravating and rather ridiculous. It had been easy enough, in the past, to blame any strong attraction to Amanda on the state of his current social life. But things were slightly different now, right? He hadn't felt satisfied with his old dating style, so he had decided to make some changes, and now he was in a more "normal", steady relationship with an intelligent and engaging woman. Sure, Amanda was a beautiful woman too, but she was his partner and his friend and he knew he didn't want to mess that up. It had become too important. Plus, neither one of them had anything to gain by entertaining any ideas about acting on simple, basic attraction. He could lose a partner and a friend, and she needed someone who could give her family a man around the house. He knew this. Anything he felt towards Amanda could easily be explained by the nature of their work together. Espionage threw people together in situations that could very easily create a false sense of intimacy. The friendship that they had was real; he trusted that now. But he needed to keep it just like that. It really should be simple enough to get control over these fleeting moments with Amanda. Just because he could count Amanda as part of a small circle of people he could trust didn't mean he could start entertaining any other kind of thoughts that he had about her. In fact, it meant that he had better keep such thoughts very far away from him, even more now than he ever had in the past. It was nice having her perched on his new desk in the Q Bureau helping him to unravel one of the Q's real puzzlers, but that was as close as she should ever come.

This last turn that his thoughts had taken was anything but relaxing. Glancing at the clock as he took the last swallow of his scotch, he was shocked to realize that the evening was completely gone and it was time to call it a night. He had told Leslie that he was going to call her tonight, but now it seemed much too late. He wasn't really in the mood to talk on the phone anyway. He would call her in the morning or sometime tomorrow when he had the time. The past couple of days had been very full, and the all-nighter he had pulled the night before last was beginning to take its toll on him. What he really wanted tonight was a good night's sleep. He would have more energy for a chat with Leslie tomorrow anyway.


	7. Window Reflections Dancing Weasel

**3**

 **Window Reflections**

 **The Tale of the Dancing Weasel**

Amanda entered the foyer humming a tune and skipped down the stairs into the family room. She had enjoyed the lovely ride with Lee out into the country to deliver Harry's portrait. The drive there and back had been a continuation of the new "no shop talk" part of the friendship with her partner, and it had been such a refreshing change from her everyday life. Hanging her purse on the railing, she unzipped it. Reaching inside, she searched for the envelope she had placed there the other day. She needed to get rid of the evidence. All she needed was one of the boys or her mother to go looking for keys or some spare change and find Harry's business card instead. How would she explain "Zulu Blue" to them? Locating the card, she took it to the counter and ripped it into little pieces and placed it at the bottom of the garbage can. Still humming she closed the cabinet door and washed some stray dishes that had been left in the sink. She was happy, a contented happy.

She had studied those codes in her training manuals, but she hadn't really ever expected to receive a "Zulu Blue", at least not at this stage in her training. She was completely surprised to have it come from Harry V. Thornton. Before this week she'd only had a vague understanding that he was some important person in the world of the Agency, like she knew the faces of historic figures. Meeting him face to face was intimidating at first, and she wasn't sure what to think of this most recent turn of events. She was definitely suspicious when he had attributed such compliments about her looks and skills to Lee, but being asked to actually spy on Lee had her ready to bolt out of the room. The only thing that had made her stay was Harry's disarming persona and the tale about Eisenhower; his fondness for his cat had helped too.

Even though Harry had been the brain behind the founding of the Agency, she had found him to be a nice older gentleman. He had reminded her of her father. As he had described how he felt about Lee, she was ready to create a space for him in her affections. Anyone who would love Lee like a son would be okay with her. After hearing Lee confirm that he was indeed the man who had hired him, she was willing to do whatever she could to help them both. It was almost like another piece of the puzzle of Lee Stetson had clicked into place. Much like it had when she had met Emily Farnsworth. Again, it amazed her how "normal" both of these important figures in Lee's life were. They were spies, but they were like family as well.

It was good to know that Harry was finally retired for real and that she and Lee had been able to make sure that he could relax and enjoy his well-earned rest with the knowledge that what he had started was alive and well. She took personal satisfaction in the knowledge that she had also been able to be there with Lee in what could have been a difficult case personally. She was especially glad that the job of spying on Lee had turned out to actually help him _and_ that it was finally over. Spying on the spy was not something she wanted to do often. She had been hesitant to do it when Harry had first mentioned it. Not only was she concerned that Lee would be furious if he found out, she wasn't sure if her spying skills were any match for his. He was sure to discover what she was up to. But it had been a great challenge, and she thought that she had done it pretty successfully.

Actually, the past few days had been pretty good. She had gained a lot of confidence in learning to follow her instincts. Francine may have called them her "lightening intuitive leaps," but the fact that she had voiced them had helped to solve the mystery of the Eisenhower letter and had kept Harry and the whole Agency safe. Maybe the bit about the earring had been a longshot, but it had worked. Sometimes search grids served their purpose, but basic life and home ec experiences could help too. And she was pretty proud of the way she had been able to ignore Francine's barbs this time. She was determined to figure out some way to work with Francine eventually, just like she had with Lee.

After these past two years, she had finally been able to figure him out, or at least she thought she had. After that dinner with no shop talk that they'd had the other day, things seemed to be back to their comfortable normal. And it was a good thing too. The job of spying on Lee Stetson was no easy task; it could have been even more complicated if that tension from the past week had still been between them. She'd had to know exactly what to do and say to get him to take her along to the State Department and not be left filing in the new Q Bureau. Working together at State had actually been fun. She chuckled as she thought of Lee in those silly glasses and the way the two of them had been able to pull the wool over the guard's eyes and get the info they had needed. And afterwards, in the car, Lee had told her that she had been very good with her role playing. It felt nice to hear him genuinely compliment her. She had suspected that Harry's line about how much Lee trusted her had been just that, a line. But after hearing Lee say that her ideas about getting info at the State Department were very good, she had begun to wonder if Lee really had told Harry that he trusted her instincts.

Of course, it wasn't so easy to follow him after that. There was a brief moment when she had felt a bit nervous that his personal errand had something to do with Leslie, but she knew that she had to follow him regardless. She hoped instead that the "personal" errand that Lee was so determined to shake her from really had to do with Crawford and his concern for Harry. She was relieved when it became clear that Lee was indeed going to Harry's town house instead of some rendezvous with Leslie. The relief hadn't lasted long though. It was just a good thing that she had spent so many hours coaching little league teams. Too bad Lee wouldn't recognize that immediately.

She had been waiting in the vault uncomfortably for Lee to return to the Q. It would have been nice if he had just truly wanted to walk her to her car. She knew that he was aware that she had followed him; she knew that he was mad at her. She didn't want to have another tense moment because she had disobeyed his order, and she didn't want to lie to him. She hated lying, especially as she was just beginning to realize how much Lee really did trust her. She didn't want him to think she was betraying that trust. But she had to obey Harry's orders and keep Lee out of the investigation. She hoped that he would understand later that she had done what she had in order to protect Lee, Billy and the entire Agency until that letter was found. And Lee was right; she always answered a question with a question when she didn't want to lie to him. He sure had gotten to know her well. She was pretty sure that he was going to let her have it again. He always did when he was worried or upset, and he was worried about Harry and upset with her. She had braced herself for more of his anger… and then he had said the most remarkable thing. He was grateful? During a time when he was so worried about Harry and so mad that she had lied, he was able to say that he was grateful to her! His comment had surprised her, and it had touched her. And yet she still had to find out what Lee was up to, so she couldn't react the way she would have liked to.

Her thoughts moved to the moment at Atkins Chemical when they had finally figured out what was going on and had apprehended Gregory and Crawford and found the letter that would exonerate Harry once and for all. Harry had said that it had all come together because of her instincts, her "pure instincts at work." She knew now that his view of her had begun with things that Lee had told him. If Harry could say something like that in front of Lee and after such an important case, maybe it would confirm to Lee what he saw in her. He trusted Harry enough to tell him that about her, so much so that Harry trusted her to help Lee and keep him safe and find that letter. Being able to be a part of those friendships was special. They may all be spies, but they really had some true meaningful relationships. That was nice.

Still humming, she allowed her eyes to focus on her reflection in the window, and all of a sudden, she recognized the tune that had been floating through her head this whole time. It was Maria's song from West Side Story. "I feel pretty"? she sang to herself. If Harry hadn't made up the "blind through a blizzard at midnight" thing, then maybe Harry wasn't making it up when he said that Lee thought that she was pretty? Looking at her reflection in the window, she smiled. She had always known that she could be attractive when she wasn't too tired or harried with children, housekeeping and work. But tonight she thought that she kind of did feel pretty too. Hmm? He would follow her blind through a snow storm at midnight? Wow!


	8. Scotch Thoughts Off to see the Wizard

**4**

 **Scotch Thoughts**

 **We're Off to See the Wizard**

Everything was different. He could feel it even though he didn't know how to describe it. Entering the living room at the end of the day, he closed the front door behind him and went about the usual motions of placing his jacket on the back of the couch and moving to the wet bar to pour himself a glass of scotch. He felt different; he felt as if he was moving differently in the familiar space. He wished that he could say that he was relaxed and happy like Paul had appeared this morning after taking his retirement. Retirement for Lee was a long way off, and he couldn't say he was relaxed like he had tried to be the other week after he had settled Harry into retirement. But something sure was different. Taking the full glass to the couch, he sank down into the familiar cushions and took a slow sip.

God! The past three days had been an absolute nightmare! It had been as if he had been caught in the crossfire of every fear that he had ever tried to push out of his mind. But tonight he could reflect on what had happened because he knew that it was finally over. Being able to offer those roses to Amanda this morning had been a huge hurdle for him. He knew he needed to thank her; he had wanted to do it with those flowers. It had been important to him to let her know how much she had helped him through the storm that had whipped him around so violently.

Standing in Billy's office the other day looking at the picture of Pamela Dinsmore had only been a precursor. It always sent a shock wave through him when he learned of a colleague's death. But to have Billy link him to all six of the agents that had been recently killed had felt like a huge wave knocking him off of his feet and tumbling him in the surf. And that had only been the beginning. Wave after wave of unbelief, shock, and mortification washed over him all morning. First as Amanda popped her cheery self into the solemn scene in Billy's office only to be re-directed to a meeting, and then to attend the meeting himself. A meeting in which all the women present were implicated because they knew him.

As Paul had mentioned later that morning at the airport, those women were agents; they knew the risks. But some of the women he had needed to contact weren't agents. And all of those women were ones he had called "friends" and some were dead or had their lives in jeopardy because they had worked with him of dated him. As Lee thumbed through those lists of names, the truth of the situation fell on his shoulders like a huge weight. They hadn't even really known him; they had thought that they were spending time with Lee Steadman, or Stanton or Samson, a film maker, or an astronaut, or a PI, or a cellist. For God's sake, they had been put in mortal danger, and they hadn't even really known him at all. He had become a danger to so many innocent women, and it had been just because he had gotten reckless and hadn't wanted to ever get seriously personally involved with any one woman. Why? He knew the truth. He had wanted to protect himself. He had left a wide path of collateral damage while just trying to protect his own heart from loss.

Four! Four black books. He used to think they were a badge of his manly prowess; now, as he pulled them from the pocket of his sports coat, he could only feel shame. It was just as acute as it had been the other day as he looked Amanda in the eyes and told her he had four of them. How sorry he was to have to admit it to her. Funny how having all of those names in multiple black books had seemed like such a feather in his cap, but in front of the one woman he had placed on a pedestal of wholesomeness, he could only blush with shame and regret. He hadn't expected the relief that he felt as she smiled that accepting smile. It was better in that moment that she knew, that there were no secrets, that the ugly truth of the extent of his playboy ways was clear before her, especially now as all of them were in danger. He hadn't expected how comforting it was that she and Francine were there by his side, willing to help him wade through the quagmire that he had created.

And then the storm had intensified. It was completely irrational that he would see the image of the last woman that he had ever truly allowed himself to care for. It made sense now that he knew it was Tin Man that was behind the appearance of Dorothy. He had known Lee back then more than 10 years ago. He had known the fragile state of his psyche. He would have known that already at 24 Lee had dealt with loss and struggled with letting people close to him. He would have known that Dorothy had begun to tear down those walls. He would have known what it had done to him to watch Dorothy brutally gunned down in front of him on the tarmac of the Silver Springs Airport all those years ago. He would have known how it would have affected him to see her again, especially as he was becoming aware of all the deaths that he had inadvertently caused.

It had sent him reeling. He had stumbled through the rest of that day just trying to find something to hold onto. When he had received the call that it had been Amanda who had found the next victim, it was all that he could do to keep his wits about him and calmly demand that she return to the safety of her own home. If anything had happened to her, it would have been the end of him, he was sure of it. He had returned to his own home to try to make sense of the swirling chaos that was threatening to take over any semblance of reason and rationality he had left, only to be thrown by another wave of confusion and regret. His apartment had always been a place where he was in perfect control, but that evening it had once again been invaded by a seemingly uncontrollable force that he had invited in. Leslie had come from New York, she was waiting in his apartment to surprise him with a visit, and it was the last thing he had wanted. He hadn't wanted to see Leslie; he hadn't wanted her to be at all involved in this nightmare. He didn't want another woman exposed to the menace that knowing him had become. And that was when he realized with intense clarity that that was just what Leslie was. She was just another woman. Another one who was never going to be able to know the real Lee Stetson. He didn't want her to; he had been keeping her in a compartment of his life to serve his own self-protective habits, and it wasn't fair to her just as it hadn't been to any of the others. And as he kissed her perfunctorily on the lips to send her on her way back to the safety of NYC, he was filled with even more regret and shame.

The only thing that he had known to do after that was to find the only physical evidence of Dorothy he still had and take it to the only person that he knew would really listen to him. Finding the picture in the dark recesses of a bottom drawer of his desk, he hurried to Amanda's. Even that brief moment of connection and comfort had been blown away by the intrusive appearance of her mother. And Lee had once again been forced into the solitary shadows that he had grown so accustomed to.

He had been desperate to find someone to blame, because if he could do that then the crazy out-of-control feeling of the past day would subside, and he could fix things. He had to be able to identify the culprit and bring him down. It was the only response he knew. His mind had begun to fixate on Paul Barnes, his old friend and mentor. If Paul had done this, if he was Serdeych, he could pin him down and make this nightmare come to an end. But Paul had thrown it back in Lee's face. The women were his women. _His women_! God! How that had stung; _his_ women and now they were dead!

If Amanda had not come around the corner at that moment, Lee was not sure he could imagine where he would have ended up. But instead, he found himself in the eye of the storm; in that place where the winds were still and even the sky would clear for a brief moment. They spoke of a few things; he could remember snippets of their conversation as if they were bright moments of clear light. 25 months and 2 weeks, a mutual accounting of the time they had known each other. She was worried about him, and so she had broken the rules and read his file. He had been mad that once again she had stuck to him like glue and had pried into his personal business, but then, as was becoming the norm between them, she had done something that had made him grateful. She had stripped him of his false persona; he was no Superman. She had been brutally honest; he was just a man. And then she had breathed hope into him; she had said that he was really a pretty special man. She thought that…about him? She, who was the most wholesome woman he had ever known, she who knew all about his four black books, she who knew every annoying idiosyncrasy he had, had even met his uncle? She who had put up with him slapping her, shooting her, losing his temper with her numerous times? She thought that he was a special man? It was as if for one brief moment he could see himself reflected in her eyes, even in the midst of this nightmare that he found himself in, and it gave him hope.

And then both he and Amanda left the eye of the storm, and it raged on. Serdeych had attacked Amanda. He had been watching them, and he knew that Lee had allowed her to get close to him. He knew that it would make him blow. And all that Lee knew was that he needed to identify his adversary or he would blow. Paul Barnes would do. Earlier, Lee had taken Amanda's advice to talk to Pfaff, and he had used every bit of information the Agency shrink had given him to pin Paul as Serdeych. It had brought Lee some relief to point a finger at someone, to find fault in someone else. Paul was envious of him, Lee was younger, they were his women, the Oz network had not been meeting expectations lately but Lee had not lost his edge. But Paul had knocked sense into his head as he had laid him on the floor with his baton. Paul wasn't the only one stressed and close to burn out. Somehow Paul had maintained enough clarity and emotional distance from the situation to be able to see how Tin Man had built a wedge between two colleagues, two friends. And with that clarifying blow, he and Paul had been able to draw Serdeych out and expose him.

Of course Amanda had been his unbidden partner, just as she had been the first time she had ever saved his life two years ago. That time she had recognized he didn't just need to be saved from Russian agents, but that the lone wolf he used to be also needed saving from his existence. She had been there at the airport, because she had called him that night, because she knew he wasn't home, so when she got to the office the next morning and he wasn't there and she couldn't ask him where he was the night before, she knew to check his phone log for messages. She had listened to him closely enough to understand that Paul's words about where they were all "deflowered" would take him back to the Silver Springs Airport.

He sat on his couch with the empty scotch glass in his hand. He knew what was different now. He wasn't some kind of Superman like he had spent the past ten years trying to be. He knew now that he was just a man. He was a man who, like every other person on the face of this earth, needed other people. He needed to allow himself to be connected, to be known fully. He didn't need to prove himself as a man by having four or even one black book full of names and codes. He wasn't sure what exactly he was supposed to do now that he was so aware of this need. He knew he had started on the right path by buying the roses this morning and giving them to Amanda. Those roses had symbolized so much that he had once hoped to be good in his life and had instead been violently destroyed in front of his eyes. Amanda was right; he had needed to let go of that hurt somehow and begin to trust again. She had opened the way for him to walk out of the storm. She had shown him how to regain what he had allowed to be ripped from him when Dorothy had been killed. She had told him that although he was just a man, he was a special man. There was something about him that was special just as he was. He knew she understood how thankful he was this morning even though he hadn't used many words. All he had needed to say was "thanks." All she had done was to lean over and kiss his cheek. That one simple gesture had diffused his entire being. All he wanted right now was to be the kind of man that Amanda King believed that he was.

Rising from the couch, he placed the empty glass on the table, picked up the four black books and crossed the room to the fireplace. After lighting a fire in the hearth, he tossed the books into the midst of it and watched as the flames consumed the pages completely. Moving from the fire, he reached for the phone and dialed. He needed to make a date with Leslie. He would schedule it for next week when she returned from The Hague. He needed to be honest with her; he needed to end this relationship honorably for her sake… and for his. After that? He wasn't sure what lay ahead. All he knew was that it would be different from anything he had known before, and he was ok with that.


	9. Window Reflections Off to See the Wizard

**4**

 **Window Reflections**

 **We're Off to See the Wizard**

Amanda had surreptitiously entered her own house, listening for any sounds from the rest of her household. All she could hear was silence, so she quickly stole up the stairs to the privacy of her own bedroom. Entering her bathroom, she filled a cup with water. She wanted to get the roses that Lee had given to her into water, and she didn't want to have to explain to anyone where they had come from. The necessary explanation would only have raised more speculation than it was worth. It was hard enough trying explaining away the Russian tapes and her sudden interest in the Wizard of Oz to her family. It was getting more and more difficult to keep the reality of her daily life from her mother. Adding a bouquet of roses into the mix of lies and half-truths would only have made it worse. Her mother was already scrutinizing her social life a little too closely for Amanda's comfort, and she knew her mother didn't completely buy all of her explanations.

At least her mother's scrutiny was nothing like what Lee had gone through the past few days. She had learned more about him than she had wanted to during this last case, and yet, especially after today she was grateful that she could have been there for him through it all. She'd had no idea what sort of meeting Mr. Melrose had called her into the office for the other day. The somber faces that she had encountered in his office had worried her, but they had not prepared her at all for the content of that meeting. It must have been a very uncomfortable meeting for Lee as he stood there in that room full of women that he had either worked with or dated, as they learned of all of the murdered women and their connection to him. She could tell that he was uncomfortable just by looking at him. She sure had felt uncomfortable being among that group of women. She wasn't sure if it was because she might have been in danger or if it had more to do with being lumped in with all of those other women. She had always thought that her relationship with Lee was different; maybe because she was only a civilian trainee, definitely because she was a normal housewife who was just his friend. Well, these were all Agency women and they knew how to handle threats like this. In that way she didn't mind being among them.

But four black books! She wasn't sure what to think about all of that. She was Lee's friend, and she was determined to be there for him the best that she could. She could make telephone calls and visits to women in Lee's black books. She had wanted to help him a bit with what had seemed like an overwhelming task. That was why she had suggested to Francine that they could help him make the calls. But the magnitude of the situation and the result of his lifestyle were a bit staggering. She knew he'd had an active social life, but in this light it was a bit overwhelming. She was a bit surprised that he let them help. She was surprised by how many black books he had. But what had really taken her by surprise was the regretful, inquiring look he gave her when he acknowledged exactly what the extent of his past had been. It was important to her that he knew that her friendship was solid and unshakable. She hadn't known then how unshakable she was going to need to be.

She was determined to do anything that she could to help him. She hadn't even thought of the danger to herself until she had seen the look of fear in Lee's eyes as they stood by her car outside Cheryl's house as the police put up the yellow crime scene tape. At first, when Lee told her to go home, she had felt that old indignant frustration creep in. Then the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes had pierced her, and she had realized that he was trying to protect her. The hardest part then had been realizing that he was trying to protect her from the danger that came from knowing him. What an awful haunted feeling that must have been for him. She was more than determined after that to stand by her partner in the most professional way she could. Even when Serdeych had been in her own car and had blown out her windshield, she wouldn't run. If only she could have calmed her nerves faster. Lee had been sweet to assure her that her reaction was acceptable, even among professional spies. She knew that this whole case had certainly shaken him; after all, he had said that only amateurs didn't shake.

It had been so hard and even scary to watch Lee get so close to unraveling. She had noticed how tense he had been the first time she had seen him with Paul outside the bullpen as she and Francine had waited for him to return from the airport. She could feel his nervousness and confusion when he had shown up in her backyard that night with the picture of Dorothy. She had wanted so badly to ease his mind, but she couldn't lie and tell him that she had seen something that she hadn't. But it was the angry outburst at Paul the following day outside the elevators that had worried her most. Lee and Paul had almost become like two dogs in a fight with their teeth barred and snarling at each other. It had scared her to see Lee like that, hurling accusations about murder and who was responsible for the deaths of so many women. How far was either of these men from snapping? She was reminded again that this man that she had grown to trust could very easily become a dangerous man to himself and others. And in that moment he had turned and he had seen her.

"What are you doing here?" he had asked her, and he had sounded livid.

"Are you free right now?" He sounded desperate.

"I need to talk." He sounded vulnerable, and she was no longer scared of him, only for him. But she was also aware that Lee Stetson knew that he needed their friendship, and she was more than willing to be there for him. She had tried to help him with practicality and logic, but this wasn't about logic or being practical, this was about the heart, and Lee's was running the gamut and affecting everything else. For a few moments as they walked to the café and as she had chased the bus with him as he pursued the phantom of Dorothy that was haunting him, she wondered how she would be able to help him. But all of her concern was gone as they sat and sipped their wine. 25 months and two weeks. That was all they had needed to say to each other. She was there for him, and he knew it - they knew each other. They trusted each other; it had surprised her that he had counted the months, and it had encouraged her as well. After that it was easier to come along side of him and tell him that Dorothy's death hadn't been his fault. It was easier to ask him to stop taking the blame. It was easier to tell him that she had read his file because she had been worried about him.

She had meant it when she told him that he was a special man. He was and he deserved something special with someone one day. She had always felt that, but she felt it even more now that she knew about Dorothy. Paul may have been bitter or jealous about Lee's cavalier ways with women, but she had heard Lee tell him that Dorothy had been special. He'd had someone special in his life and she had been brutally killed right in front of him. Even now she could feel the raw emotion coming from Lee as she thought about the way he looked and sounded as he had told her about it. It didn't surprise her that Lee had reacted the way he had in the past and become callous about close relationships. It made her understand him more and what they had achieved in their friendship as well. She was prepared for Lee to be upset about the way she had delved into his file. She was not prepared for the touch of his hand on hers or his penetrating eyes and shy smile as he told her that it was important to him that she cared.

She could remember way back to one of their first cases out in the wilderness with the survivalists. She had asked Lee about his codename "Scarecrow", and he had shut her down faster than anything. But this time he had opened up about the past, the Oz Network and Dorothy. Now she understood why he wouldn't share that information earlier on. It was tied so deeply to old hurts and fears, wasn't it? Maybe he didn't know why the Wizard had given him the code name Scarecrow? But now Amanda thought that she knew. In the book it was the Scarecrow that Dorothy had made the closest connection too. Maybe working with someone put Lee at risk for caring deeply about that person. She could easily remember that first time they had been thrown into a case together. She could remember how he had tried to get rid of her there on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial. She could remember the ache and anger that had crossed his face as he had slipped and mentioned his last partner.

This whole area of partners and caring friendships had been a terrible land mine for Lee, hadn't it? Well, maybe the two of them had made it through. She was pretty sure he knew what she had meant when she had said that even the great ones knew when it was time to let go. She knew what he had meant when he had said "thanks" to her today as he handed her the flowers. She was sure that his gift of these roses had been a way of letting her know that he had been able to put the past in the past and move into new territory. It made her feel special that she had been the one that he had trusted to help him. "Special?" she sighed thoughtfully. She only hoped that he could have someone special in his life again someday. Maybe Leslie would be that person. She didn't really think that Leslie was quite right for Lee, she couldn't really put her finger on why, maybe it was just her intuition again. She had been right about couples on cases before, hadn't she? She just wanted him to be happy.

Placing the cup of roses on her vanity, she caught her reflection in the mirror. Someone special? Everyone needed that. It had been so long since Amanda had had that. Maybe she never had? Maybe she hadn't found the right one yet, just like Lee. Who knew what the future would bring?


	10. Scotch Thoughts ALLA

**5**

 **Scotch Thoughts**

 **A Lovely Little Affair**

Lee Stetson emerged from his bedroom dressed in a tux. He was still fumbling with his bow tie because his fingers refused to cooperate. Stopping by the mirror in the sitting room, he chided himself for allowing any nerves to get in the way of performing this familiar task. He had tied bow ties numerous times, in the dark even. This should be a normal task. It was late, and he hadn't eaten, he explained to his reflection. He probably should just grab a quick bite and a relaxing glass of scotch before he headed out, he told himself.

After finally working the fussy tie into submission, he gave his reflection a quick perusal. He was satisfied with what he saw in the mirror. He only wondered if he was as satisfied with what he could see on his face. He desperately wanted to be able to don the cool exterior that he had always taken with him for an evening out. Tonight, he wasn't so sure he could get that to cooperate either.

He had been fighting with some sort of restlessness for the past few days. At first he had blamed it on the upcoming financial review. Those damned things always made him irritable. During cases he never had the time to keep all of those miniscule accounts documented, and after a case, it always seemed like a waste of time. Paperwork had never been his forte. Being cooped up in the office with Representative Faber and her borderline tawdry fascination with his "adventures" only felt like torture. Sure, there might have been a time, in the past when he would have taken a measure of pleasure from her interest. But not now, especially after he had experienced the nightmare that the Serdeych case had become. He had learned much from the scrutiny that case had applied to his past and the ramifications of it. He had no desire to gloat over any of it and least of all with that nosey women and her sense of abhorrence tinged with intrigue.

If that inconvenience wasn't irritating enough, he had been trapped with expenditures and Congressional ferrets while Hutchins was out investigating Red February and Amanda was literally running into their newest pawn! Billy hadn't asked him if he thought that it was a good idea to give Amanda an assignment like that. For a moment, Lee had wondered if Billy had forgotten that Amanda could get enthused. She certainly had seemed enthused when she had opened the file. Remembering that moment the other day in Billy's office created the same tension in his chest that he had felt then, only this time he could see it on his face in the mirror. That restless feeling had nothing to do with Congressional budgets or even Faber. He knew better than that now. He also knew that he could no longer make excuses for himself. It was Amanda. Plain and simple. He knew it was true.

He had used asking for her help as an excuse to go over there during the weekend. He could have waited for the phone to be free or for Monday. But, no, he had gone over there in person. Right up to the front door! "Mr. King". So domestic of him. He had told himself that it was because he needed her help with his receipts. He knew that was as hollow as it had sounded when he had said it to her. Next, he had told himself that the urgency he felt was due to the way the Serdeych case had turned his world on end and had put him in such new territory that he had just wanted to see her since she had been so helpful to him during it all. Well, that part was true. Why did he act so business like? Why could he not just let himself be friend to friend, like they had been at the café or when they'd had that steak and potato dinner weeks ago? As he had gone home that evening, he knew that the restlessness inside of him was still there.

It had subsided briefly when she had finally shown up for work the next day. He had been so happy to see her walk through the door of Billy's office. But not so happy to hear Billy announce that she had an assignment - on her own. The tension in his gut had returned as she looked at Chamberlain's picture and her "Oh!" had set a chill in his chest. The cold had been in the same place that the warmth had been that day in the Q when he had thanked her with the roses and she had leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

What was the matter with him? He was acting like an insecure adolescent boy. This was Amanda! His friend, his partner. The woman that he had spent the last 25 months and 3 weeks getting to know and trust and become comfortable enough with to share a glass of wine and stories of his past. Why should he feel so unsettled around her?

This conversation with himself was doing him no good. He was only feeling more anxious instead of the calm, cool and collected that he was searching for. He moved over to the bar and grabbed the scotch and a glass. Uncorking the bottle, his thoughts moved to the other night when he had received the pictures from Amanda's surveillance of Chamberlain. He had finally been able to escape Faber in order to warn Amanda about Franco Necci. He had warned her, alright, and they had come up with a plan that had been satisfactory enough to both of them. But why had he not heeded the warning signals in the back of his mind about being alone with Amanda _at night_ in her bedroom? Why had he raced to her house in the middle of the night and climbed up that goddamn trellis? He had just told himself a few weeks ago that he needed to make sure he kept this growing, important friendship with Amanda just that. And there he was sitting on her bed in her barely lit room. There she was in her nightgown, looking uncommonly beautiful with her hair flat and her face devoid of makeup. Why did he think he could play with fire? It was fire! He hadn't thought, that was why. He had moved with the same impulse he had given into when he went over to her house days before instead of waiting to speak with her on the phone. He couldn't help it, it seemed. And the other night, the reality of it became very clear.

The hand holding the scotch bottle was shaking. His insides were shaking. It was time for honesty. There were no more black books to hide behind, and that last dinner with Leslie was just that, the last one; he knew now that she had been a last ditch effort to hide from what was crashing in on him now. There was something changing in him that was affecting his relationship with Amanda, and he seemed powerless to resist it. Never before had he felt such an electrical charge suddenly surge through his whole being as he had the other night when he shook her hand. It had scared him actually. Scared him and made him want to never let go of her. It was as if over all this time they had been forging some kind of powerful bond, and in that moment, he had become vividly aware of it. It seemed as if she had noticed that something had occurred as well. She had moved self-consciously to cover herself; he hadn't been sure how to read that. Yes, there was sexual tension… but there was so much more. He wasn't sure which unnerved him more, once again feeling an intense desire for Amanda, in her bedroom no less, or whatever that was that had been so much more.

He hadn't had any time to consider any of it. After that, his thoughts had centered on the plan for the next day and his concern for Amanda's safety, even as he had tossed and turned for the rest of the night. He had, however, seen the kiss that Amanda had given Alan Chamberlain the next morning in the garden outside the National Archives. It had appeared platonic enough, at least on Amanda's side. But seeing it had spurred him on once again, in the uncontrollable way he had been responding all week. And it had brought him here, to tonight.

He resolutely put the cork back into the bottle and placed it back in its spot in the cabinet. He returned the unused glass to the rack. No. He would not loosen himself up with his customary drink. He wanted to be in complete control of himself during every aspect of this evening. He wanted to spend some more time with Amanda off the clock. He wasn't sure exactly what he wanted to accomplish tonight, if anything. Maybe that was one of the reasons he was so unsettled. He always had a plan when he took a woman out. But he wasn't even sure what he was doing, other than taking Amanda to the Verdi Festival at the Kennedy because he just wanted to spend time with her. Watching her with Chamberlain had made him acutely aware that he was not able to consider anyone else getting closer to Amanda than he was at the moment. He wasn't sure if that meant that he wanted to be the one closest to her, because the implications of that were so life altering, and considering any more life altering changes in his life at the moment was more than he could handle right now.

He had spent the whole night last night planning his little training exercise. He wanted her to know that he was inviting her out, but he didn't want to burden their friendship with a bona fide "date." He had thought that it was pretty clever, actually. Make a casual and natural contact and get him to ask her to the opera. He had been nervous about it because he really had no idea how she would respond to his invitation even though he had disguised it as a critique of her job performance. What if she had misunderstood him and had taken it too seriously? What if she had declined? But she hadn't. She had played along, and she had said that she would "love to." She would meet him at 8 at the Kennedy, and they would enjoy Luciano Pavarotti in the Verdi Festival. He was wearing his tux and she would look… she would look beautiful. He took a deep breath, and the calm he had been looking for descended on him.

He turned and grabbed his keys. It was 7:30. He was going to meet his friend, Amanda. He was going to spend an enjoyable evening with his partner. He wasn't going to worry about ramifications or a game plan. He was just going to be Lee, and Amanda would be the same wonderful and exasperating woman whose company he had grown to enjoy so much. He smiled, "see how easy that was," and he walked out the door.


	11. Window Reflections ALLA

**5**

 **Window Reflections**

 **A Lovely Little Affair**

There she stood, in front of the full length mirror in her room. It felt like she had been standing there for ages. A quick glance at the alarm clock on her bed side table confirmed her worst fears. Yes, she had been standing there for the past 45 minutes and time was ticking away. She was supposed to be meeting Lee at the theater - too soon for her own comfort. And she still was no closer to making a decision about what to wear.

"You are acting like a silly school girl, Amanda," she kept telling herself. Why was she having such a hard time picking out a dress to wear to the Verdi Festival at the Kennedy Center tonight? Sure, it was a last minute invitation, but she had gone to numerous functions with Lee before, even with a last minute invitation. This wasn't any different… was it?

She had realized a while ago, when working for the Agency had become a regular part of her life that she would need to have a small arsenal of gowns for attending numerous different types of occasions. At this moment, the arsenal was littering every surface in her room. She couldn't justify spending much money on all these different gowns, so the last one she had made. It would have been perfect for this evening. It was simple, straight forward and elegant. She had customized it to suit her own tastes by adding pearl buttons. She had loved the way it looked on her, and she had worn it last New Year's Eve for a very pleasant evening at the Russian Embassy. She had even managed to get the darker spot from a borscht stain out of it. But she wouldn't be able to wear that particular gown again for a long time, if ever. She definitely couldn't wear it tonight. Lee would recognize it as the one he had tried to imitate and give to Leslie. That dress was just too fraught with complicated feelings for her, and she didn't want to remind Lee of Leslie this evening either, so she hadn't even pulled it out of the closet.

Looking past the two white dresses which wouldn't be suitable for an evening at the opera, she reached toward her bed to pick up two of the other gowns laying there and placed them alternately up against herself. These two were very elegant. She had worn both of them for different occasions when she was out with Lee on a case. This beaded black one really was very beautiful. She had felt very elegant both of the times she had worn it in the past, but it was too fancy for tonight. It wasn't as if she and Lee were attending a party at a castle or the estate of some British Lord. Tonight, she was only going out on an impromptu…. What was tonight? A date? A "no shop talk for a change" evening? These among other questions were tumbling around in her mind. She placed the black one back in the closet and held the blue one to herself.

This one was kind of daring; she loved the way it showed off her back. But she wasn't sure it was the best choice for tonight either. If she did wear it tonight and Lee walked with her as he often did, with his hand on the small of her back to guide her, his hand would touch her bare skin. She wasn't sure she would be able to handle that tonight. How did she think she was going to keep this crazy attraction to this man who was her partner and friend under wraps forever? Initially, she had thought that she would just outgrow it and it would go away. The shine would come off of the exciting spy, and he would just be another person in her life. So far that theory wasn't working. If there was one thing she had discovered over the past few days, it was that Lee Stetson could still throw her into an emotional conundrum.

Just in these past few weeks, she had begun to reevaluate her own personal life. It had taken her some time to get to this place after the divorce. OK, Dean had been a Band-Aid and not a very good one at that. And then the excitement and adventure of the job had taken her on a completely different life course. Of course she'd had a crush on Lee, who wouldn't? But as she got to know him better, she had learned more about him and her focus had easily been able to be on their growing friendship and professional working relationship. She had been pretty sure that he never would have wanted anything with her; she was too normal, and even though there were times when some kind of current of caring had flowed between them, she had chalked it up to their close working relationship and Lee's fierce need to protect her.

She was beginning to feel as if she was ready to explore something more in her personal life now. OK, maybe it had something to do with the fact that Lee had seemed to get his personal life onto a more serious path. After meeting "normal" Leslie in his apartment, she had realized that just working with Lee wasn't going to meet her needs and desires as a woman. She couldn't continue to have all of her time and energy focused on her family and work. She loved her family and her job, but she really did want to experience something that made her feel like a woman. Even her mother had moved on from just helping to take care of the household and had begun pursuing more intimate relationships spending romantic weekends with her father's friend.

So, Amanda had begun to reopen thoughts of a man in her life. It seemed ironic that she would just have mentioned to her mother something about a man just popping out of the woodwork, and the next morning Billy would hand her a photograph of an extremely attractive man and that man would literally just bump into her and show interest in her. Maybe she had even been feeling a bit reckless. Even though Lee had thought that Alan was dull and Francine had thought he moved in faster circles that Amanda did, Alan had found her attractive and had actually been rather forthcoming about it. She had found it affirming. She had needed it. Maybe after the whole debacle with Leslie, she hadn't really known how she felt about herself. She had felt like a wall flower for a while, but then Harry had mentioned that Lee had told him she was pretty, and she had to confess it had changed her attitude a bit. Having Lee confide in her the other week and tell her it was important that she cared had also felt nice, but being pursued by a man because he found her attractive was something she hadn't felt in a while. Even though she had initially accepted Alan's invitations for the sake of the case, his advances towards her had reaffirmed her desire to have someone make her feel special.

But those little moments with Alan hadn't ignited a flame, or even a smolder. Dog gone it! It had been so long since she had been kissed. And that kiss had been… well, nice but it didn't come anywhere near to comparing to the way she had felt when she and Lee had shared that wedding kiss in San Angelo, and that had been a cover, it had just been pretend! And there it was, the conundrum, right there, plain as day to her, the intensity of feelings that Lee could create in her even as she was out with another man. When she had gotten home that night, all she had wanted to do was go to bed and put her thoughts to sleep. Her mother had suggested that she was acting bored. She wished she hadn't sounded so bored. She wished she could have been more excited by her evening with Alan.

And then, all of a sudden, Lee was in her room. And she was focused on the case, her first real solo case. She wasn't going to roll over and give that one up, and fortunately, Lee wasn't going to make her. They had a plan and they shook on it. And then… what in the Sam Hill had happened? He was looking so earnestly at her face, touching her hand so delicately, longingly. Was she making it up and imagining it? Her heart had been in her throat, and all of a sudden, she was very aware that she was sitting in her bed, in the middle of the night, in her nightgown and Lee was…. What was he doing? What had just happened between them?

She quickly deposited that backless blue gown onto the bed. This was the reason that she couldn't wear that dress tonight. How was she supposed to deal with this weird dynamic that was occurring between them? Maybe it was simply because they were becoming closer friends. Maybe Lee just didn't know how to be friends with a woman. Or maybe what had happened that night was just a left over vestige of those playboy ways that had created four black books. Maybe it had just been an old impulse for him, and he had regretted it later? What was she doing? Was she playing with dynamite? If Alan Chamberlain moved in fast circles, Lee Stetson was a world class sprinter. Could he even be interested? Was that what this evening was about? Was that what had passed between them here on her bed the other night? Did she even want something more to happen with their relationship? What if he was interested in her? Could he ever be the kind of man that she needed? She couldn't even imagine Lee becoming a family man, living in the suburbs and helping her raise her two boys. And what about Leslie? She hadn't heard him talk about Leslie, but she also hadn't seen or heard him talking about anyone else either. What about his old womanizing ways? She really did think they were his old ways. What about their friendship? Oh gosh, there were so many questions with no answers. All she knew was that try as she might she couldn't get this crazy draw towards Lee to go away. And whatever had passed between them the other night had rattled her so much that she had placed the boys' cereal bowls into the fridge and had served them a gallon of milk instead. And now he had invited her to the opera.

Well the only dress left was her old standby. The one she had worn to Princess Penelope's party and to the Quickie Chickie Shack reception back in her first weeks working for the Agency. The one Lee had said she looked "just fine" in. It would be just fine for tonight too. If she didn't get a handle on just being herself in this friendship with Lee that she had worked so hard on, her responses could blow the whole thing. She and Lee were good friends, and they were partners. She would wear the simple old black dress. She would wear her hair down and keep her heart pendent on with some simple earrings. She was going to just be good ol' Amanda and enjoy the opera with Lee. It had been nice of him to invite her. Looking at herself in the mirror, she was pleased with what she saw. And if she didn't stop these thoughts and leave now to meet him, she would be late.


	12. Scotch Thoughts Utopia Now

**6**

 **Scotch Thoughts**

 **Utopia Now**

"Not exactly." They were the first words in his thoughts as he closed his apartment door behind him and leaned against it. He could hear the tone of her voice, and he could still see the glint in her eyes and the coy smile on her face as she had delivered those two words. He had stood there in the hall outside the bullpen, stunned for a moment, before finally remembering that he had legs and could chase after her and demand a few more words from her in explanation, but Billy had called him back into the bullpen and his muddled brain back to the job at hand. It wasn't until this moment, as he closed the door behind him on anything else, that he'd had time to let her words sink in and think about any of their possible meanings. He was bone tired and filthy, and usually he would only want a shower and his bed. But tonight he wanted to sit down with a small but relaxing glass of scotch and let his thoughts wander over the moments he had just spent with Amanda while in the Virginia woods hunting Peter Sacker and his men. He'd had to keep his mind sharp during their harrowing experience, and he had fought to not think about what was transpiring between Amanda and himself. It had been almost impossible.

He poured himself his drink and fell into the couch leaning his head back onto the cushions. Closing his eyes, numerous images of Amanda merged together until his mind's eye fixed on one brief awful moment. They had been standing chained in Hollis' truck as he prepared to drive them out into the woods under the guise of executing them. At least at the time, Lee had hoped it was a guise. He had taken Amanda by the arms and had tried to reassure her with a look. He knew she was scared; she had confessed that earlier. But the look on her face had sent his emotions in a thousand different directions all at once. He had wanted to take her into his arms and comfort her at the same time that he felt that excruciatingly strong desire for her and that condemning guilt that was always lingering in the back of his mind every time he thought of how he had exposed her to such danger in the first place.

He had stopped trying to rationalize and deny the contradicting emotions that Amanda King had brought into his life. Just a few weeks ago, he had stopped trying to fight them. Just a few days ago he had allowed those emotions to direct him, and he had spent an enjoyable evening at the opera with the source of this confusion. Even though he had prepared for the evening feeling like a nervous teenager, the moment he had seen Amanda approach him at their designated meeting spot outside the Kennedy Center, he had only felt calm and happy. They really were such good friends, and it was easy to be in her presence. It was natural. She had looked beautiful, and this time, he had told her so. There had been no need for smooth lines or suave moves, and it didn't matter what happened next; it had just been nice to be together.

But the enjoyable evening had created a whole new dilemma for the following work day, and the fact that Billy had decided to send the two of them into the back woods alone together on some stupid-seeming hide and seek game to find a burned out agent had filled him with uneasiness all over again. Had they enjoyed each other's company so much that Amanda would be expecting a change in their working relationship? Would she consider their relational status to have changed? Would he be able to maintain his professional role as her supervisor and partner? He shouldn't have worried. Amanda was Amanda. That was one of the things that he had grown to really appreciate about her.

Yesterday, as he began to realize how dangerous and pivotal this assignment had actually become, he had also begun to realize that there were many other things that he had grown to appreciate about Amanda. Skills that he had thought were silly hobbies, even that morning, like her Trail Blazers' maps and manuals, had become lifesaving as the day went on. He could recognize so clearly now how much of an asset she was to their partnership, and he had grown to trust her and share the load with her. She had even been able to use that Uzi effectively! Holding hands with her as they ran through the woods had only created a connectedness between them, and being chained together had caused them to learn to cooperate as they fled, negotiating trees and directions. He realized that he had even yielded to her wisdom at times, and she had reciprocated in a true give-and-take partnership. Their increasing closeness had only benefitted their partnership. He'd had nothing to worry about. Until they had finally stopped running and had settled into that cold, damp swamp for the night. She had shivered, and he had briefly struggled with what to do. It would have been very easy and tempting to draw her to himself and wrap his arms around her. But if he did, would she think he was taking advantage of their predicament? Would she allow him to do that? Would it be wise? So he had opted to suggest it in professional terms. It was recommended in the survival manuals anyway, to huddle together to conserve body heat. He really had liked the way it felt to hold her; caring for Amanda felt so right.

They had said so much as they huddled together by the light of her small and skillfully made fire. It had broken his heart to hear her scared voice. He was struggling once again with the fact that he was glad to have her there with him, even though it meant she wasn't safely tucked away from danger. He'd always had that struggle, ever since he had handed her that package. Last night she had taken that choice out of his hands once and for all. It had been her decision. She knew what she was doing, she knew the risks, she was an adult. "No guts no glory." What a woman! And he had drawn her even closer to him and held her tighter.

It must have been the security of the darkness that had caused their conversation to progress to such levels, and at first, it had been nice. One of the things she really liked about him. _One_ of the things? Were there others? He couldn't ever remember anyone saying things like that to him. It was as if her words were affirming him as a man and as an agent, and he could feel them even more than the warmth of the little fire. But then she had gotten serious, and he'd gotten a bit uncomfortable. It wasn't the part about not making it, it wasn't even what she had actually said; he was glad to have known her too. It was what he was afraid and maybe at the same time, even hoping she might say. He had searched her face then, trying to figure out what she was going to say, trying to figure out why he was hanging on her every word, his heart pounding in his chest in equal amounts anticipation and fear. He couldn't help looking for it in her eyes, feeling drawn to her lips. And then there was the reprieve that he felt because she had smiled and said how glad she was to have known him. It had made him happy to hear, a little light headed with the relief that she wasn't about to drop some huge confession on him and at the same time he could feel a tinge of letdown that she hadn't.

The moment had continued on as if they were both on auto pilot. He could hear himself responding, "Well, the same goes here." He was glad to know her, and the truth was right there. He had learned so much from her, even in those few moments in the dark wrapped in the safety of each other's arms. How good it felt to be so connected to another person, to not be a lone wolf anymore, to share so many parts of yourself with another and be known, to care for and be cared for, to have her head tucked under his chin. And he told her so.

And then he had shifted, and they were face to face. He was looking directly into her beautiful brown eyes, and she could see him; he knew that she could see every part of him. She had smiled that sweet shy smile. She didn't pull away; she didn't avert her eyes. It was as if she was inviting him, trusting him. And he couldn't stop himself. Kissing her seemed like the most natural and right thing to do in that moment. Until Rogan's voice had torn through the night and pierced the bond that they had been about to form, calling them back to the reality of the case that had taken them running into that cold, dark swamp together.

He had lain awake all that night trying to sleep, trying to plan a way to safety, and trying not to think about what had just transpired between them. But he could feel her presence, the warmth emanating from her body to his. It was all he could do to continue to refuse the impulse to gather her to himself. He didn't know what to do except to not do anything – especially at that moment.

He hadn't cared for anyone that much since Dorothy, and he had known so little of himself then. He knew so much more now, and he knew it because Amanda had shown him; her influence on him was like the warmth that he could feel radiating from her soaking into him.

But what was he going to do now? He had almost kissed her; he would have if they hadn't been interrupted. He hadn't even thought of where that would have led; it had just been a natural impulse he supposed. They had been like two magnets. It could have led to huge regrets. Would it have made their easy friendship uncomfortable, or would it have affected their partnership? Maybe it was a good thing they had been interrupted.

He couldn't think about it last night, but he had better think about it now. His attempt at brushing it under the rug earlier today had been unsuccessful. Maybe denial had become such a habit for him that his comment about two cold people had just rolled off of his tongue. Maybe he had been nervous that she hadn't felt what he had. In fact, maybe he was asking her if she had wanted to sweep it under the carpet too.

But "not exactly?" For a woman who could ramble on for minutes to make a point, those two words were the most surprising, exasperating and encouraging words he had ever heard. They had also scared him. What was he supposed to do now? He had gone too far now to back pedal. It would ruin their friendship for sure. And her "not exactly" sure had left a lot out there hanging, and actually, she had put it out there. If it wasn't exactly two cold people, and he knew it hadn't been on his part, then what exactly was it? He didn't even know for himself. If it wasn't just the heat of the moment then what the hell was it for her? What was she expecting from him? He was a little nervous, but he sure was intrigued. Maybe if he could continue to just let their relationship develop naturally it would become something he could define. He had never been in this situation before. All he knew was that somehow he needed to find a way to respond to her "not exactly." That was a challenge he didn't mind finding a way to meet.


	13. Window Reflections Utopia Now

**6**

 **Window Reflections**

 **Utopia Now**

"Not exactly?!" Her own words echoed so loudly in her head that she was sure everyone that had been in the hall could hear them through the closing elevator doors. What on earth was she trying to do? When she had brought up what had happened last night as they had left the bull pen moments ago, she had just wanted to clear the air a little bit. Now the air between them was rife with…something electric. But by the look on Lee's face as she hurriedly walked away, she wasn't sure if it was the kind of electricity that was going to painfully shock her or if it would just charge the air with positive energy.

All she had wanted to do was put what had occurred between them last night as they had huddled together by her meager camp fire in the proper context of their friendship and the scary situation that they had found themselves. She had wanted Lee to know that even though they had almost kissed, she had no expectations of anything happening between them as a result, and she most definitely didn't want their friendship to be affected. But when he had spoken over her planned little spiel with his complete denial that there had been anything but the cold and a need for warmth motivating the close sharing that they had experienced together, she couldn't believe it. The "not exactly" had jumped out of her mouth. So maybe he hadn't planned to kiss her, but the words they had said to each other must have been true. She knew that Lee wouldn't have opened up with her like that if there was nothing but fighting the cold motivating him. He rarely ever talked about feelings. And there was no way being cold would bring that out of him. She could remember, even just last week, how hard it was for him to compliment her work with Allan Chamberlain and the Red February case.

Feeling as if she was fleeing Mrs. Marsden's scrutiny, she quickly exited the building and found refuge in her car. She really needed to get her head screwed on right before she went home to face her mother. She was tired and filthy and sore. She had adrenaline coursing through her because of their quick exchange outside the bull pen and plenty left over from the past 24 hours. She really needed to find some time to sort through everything that had happened in the woods as they tried to track down Kurt Hollis and figure out what Peter Sacker was up to with his "New Utopia."

As she drove back home along the same route she had travelled just the day before, her thoughts carried her over the past 24 plus hours. Yesterday morning had found her preparing a picnic basket for her first real rookie assignment. Lee would be accompanying her, and she had decided that she would make it as pleasant as possible. She knew the assignment wasn't a picnic. But they still had to eat and they might as well make it a nourishing and enjoyable meal. She also knew that Lee was suspicious and disparaging of the value of her scouting experience. But she was pretty sure that by the end of this harrowing experience he had found a new respect for it. After all, the last time they had been assigned to go traipsing through the woods he had gotten them lost; she wasn't going to let that happen again.

The competition over whose map was better hadn't lasted long even though it had been kind of fun. After running into that Jr Trailblazer at Cobb's Corner, Lee seemed ready to believe anything. In fact, after that they had maneuvered like partners better than they ever had. They had even held hands as they ran through the woods. She'd had the knife that he had ended up needing. And thank goodness he hadn't even seemed to notice when she had accidently touched him inappropriately there on the ladder. She had never realized how often she reached out to touch him when they were together, either for comfort or encouragement. This time, however, his arm was out of reach and she had connected with his… oh my! Were they that close now that a touch like that could be taken so casually? She didn't know what to make of it except that she could feel the blush spreading across her face.

She quickly moved her recollections on, but realized that this was when things had begun to feel different. Lee had always been kind and protective when they had been in dangerous situations, but it hadn't ever been like this time. The way he had walked into that cell with his hand firmly wrapping hers. He had even called her "darling," and she still could not really connect that with any cover they had decided to use. And as she had let her fears rise he hadn't just tried to brush them away. She couldn't put her finger on it, but she had felt so connected to him as a partner and as a friend as they had figured out how to escape Sacker's compound.

That connection had solidified even more as they stood chained in the back of Hollis' truck. If she had felt fear earlier, it was multiplied there. She had wanted to bury her face in his chest and just drink of the strength she felt coming from him. She was desperate to read reassurance in his eyes, she had searched for it there, and she felt as if that was what he had wanted her to find. She had always trusted him to protect her and to get them out of a sticky situation. She had learned to read his eyes. That was what had saved her life that day months ago, when they had been driven out of town by Bracken and Lee had been ordered to shoot her. But yesterday there was more in the look of his eyes than that steely confident agent. There was something else there, a new depth that had been created between them over the past few months.

And then they had found their little dry spot in the midst of the swamp and she had built a small fire. He had called her a pretty good scout and had cautioned about making the fire bigger. He had noticed she was cold, and so he had suggested that they use their combined body heat for warmth. Even though she was with Lee, the reality of their circumstances had begun to creep in on her much like the dark and the cold had, and she had thrown all professionalism to the wind and confided her fear to her friend and partner. She was surprised that her honest confession had caused Lee to think back to when they had first met. She was touched that he was thinking about the beginning, but she didn't want him going all the way back to the beginning and regretting the whole thing. In the past, he had comforted her as though she was the victim in a cruel game, the innocent bystander. She didn't want that this time. They had been partners through this whole thing. She had meant it when she had said that she had known there were risks and she had made a decision way back then as an adult. She had chosen this adventure; she wasn't going to blame it on anyone, and she wasn't going to let him feel responsible. No guts, no glory.

But that was when their conversation had changed. Her response had moved them on from thinking about the past. Instead, their thoughts were turned to the present moment. And in that moment Lee had wrapped her in his arms in a close embrace. His closeness had drawn her thoughts to him and how much she really did love him. She had always wanted him to know how special he was; she had tried to tell him weeks ago when he had gone through that nightmare with Serdeych. Last night she had been feeling desperate about the situation they were in, so she had thought she just might as well make it perfectly clear. She had been nervous as she had tried to put the words together, but then she had gotten a brief glimpse of fear on his face, and she had decided that it wasn't a good idea. He had looked scared of what she might be trying to say and, to tell the truth, she wasn't sure if she was more worried that he would misunderstand and run or if their easy friendship would be burdened with stronger feelings that she wasn't even sure she understood the depths of.

So she had taken the easy way out and had watered it down to being glad that she knew him. She reflected back on that with satisfaction. Her choice of words had opened the way for a wonderful conversation. She had loved hearing that he felt the same way, and she had given in to snuggling even closer to him. They were finally opening up to each other. Maybe the dark had helped them to overcome their fear? They weren't holding back like they had in the past. There they could express the deep appreciation that had been growing between them. It had felt so wonderful to be wrapped up in his strong arms, to feel his warmth, to smell his masculine scent, and feel his voice rumble in his chest against her cheek as he said nice things to her. When was the last time a man had held her like that? In that moment, there was no one else; the connection was so real, so strong. She wished it could always be like that, but she knew it couldn't.

It was nice to know that the burden she had been to him wasn't a negative thing anymore. To hear him say that through working with her he had learned about other people and himself was the most wonderful gift he could have ever given to her. She had suspected that working with her had changed him, but hearing him articulate it was almost surreal.

And if that had been all that had transpired between them that night, it would have been enough to stay with her for years. But then he said he had a cramp and he had shifted their position and they were all of a sudden face to face in their embrace. He was searching her eyes with an expression that she had really had only seen in her dreams while sleeping. The expression on his face was so intent and so full of that tenderness that she'd had glimpses of only briefly before that it made her smile. She was almost sure he would kiss her. Gosh, how she wanted him to! And then his gaze had moved to her mouth and she could feel the pressure of his hand on her back as he drew her to himself and she had responded and had leaned in to kiss him. It was sweeter and more dizzying than anything she had ever imagined, so much more so than when they had shared their "wedding kiss" on San Angelo. She could feel his breath escape him and the soft warmth of his lips. And she felt no hesitation. She wanted to be wrapped in his embrace, feeling his lips gently pressed against hers. Being so close to Lee and sharing intimate words and thoughts had felt so right at that moment. And then that sharp voice tore the moment away even as the light of day would always end her dreams.

And then they were being shot at, and she was reminded that they were being pursued.

They had needed to sleep, so they had maneuvered themselves so that she could lie on her right and he on his left, and they were facing each other. She could feel the heat coming from his nearness, and she had forced herself to close her eyes so that she would not study his quiet sleeping face, and she had slept.

The next day she had held an Uzi against Rogan, and Lee had gotten Sacker. Having Lee tell her to cover Rogan with the Uzi while he ran off to end Sacker had been like a dream too, just a different kind of dream, one in which she was a highly trained spy, the perfect partner for Lee Stetson. And in that moment, it almost felt like that had become reality too. His side embrace in front of Francine and Hollis had made her feel pretty exuberant. She couldn't tell if it was because she was overtired, having an adrenaline rush or still all jumbled up from the events of the previous night in the swamp wrapped in Lee's arms. It was probably a good cocktail of all three. But when they had glanced at each other while standing there, she couldn't help but wonder if what had happened last night would change their friendship or their partnership. Had they crossed the line of friendship into something new? How much would Lee acknowledge from the night before? In the past he had blamed any "moment" between them on the circumstances of the job, would he do that now? She hadn't known what to expect from him, this all seemed so different.

She knew that she needed to clear the air though. She didn't want any of the weirdness that could slip in when good friends go where maybe they shouldn't go in her friendship with Lee. The thing was, after all that had occurred between them the past few weeks, she wasn't sure what was happening between them. All she knew was that she didn't want to leave anything hanging around that could get awkward. So she had tried to bring it up. She was going to let Lee know that they had been in a scary situation, and they were just good friends trying to comfort each other and she had no expectations. After all, that was how things seemed to be between them after their "non-date" at the Verdi Festival the other night. They had just enjoyed a pleasant time together. She had felt comfortable with that and she was pretty sure that he wasn't replacing all of those "girls" that he used to date with her. The evening seemed to just be about their friendship. After that she had thought that everything was back where they had always been and that moment in her room the other night when he had crawled up the trellis was just another one of those things that happened because the pressures of the job might bring partners closer. That had been ok with her.

She was not prepared, however, for Lee to try to sweep it all away again in his old habit of denial. Two cold people? Really? Is that all that their conversation and embrace had been to him? And so she had laughed at his attempt at his old tactics and had reactedwith her "not exactly." The only thing was that thinking back on that moment now it seemed as if he had been asking her if that was how she had wanted to explain it. He had seemed nervous about it, was his "right?" a question for her? And what exactly did happen if it wasn't two cold people seeking warmth? What exactly did she want; if it was even possible that there was really something in that almost kiss beyond the situation of that moment? Come on. Could Lee really want her? For the first time in 25 months that was a real question that she was actually asking herself. And if he did, what did she really think and feel about that? Was it even practical to entertain these questions? It was one thing to admit to feeling jealousy about Leslie or Lee having a normal relationship, it was one thing to admit to herself that she really cared about him as a friend, loved him even. But the possibility that what she had grown used to, their friendship, could possibly become what she had relegated only to dreams shook her up a bit. Lee would never be able to be a stable part of her family. And that was what she would need from him in order to risk their friendship with a romance. Well so far, she told her reflection as she pulled into the familiar driveway of her home, she wouldn't exert too much energy surmising about it.

What she did know was that although she had made it out of that swamp safely, she still had to face her mother. What could have happened to the note she had left?


	14. Scotch Thoughts Sour Grapes

**7**

 **Scotch Thoughts**

 **Sour Grapes**

He just hadn't been quite ready to go home. He had finally found Buck dancing the limbo with some older woman in the middle of the street around the corner from Amanda's house. He had made sure that Dotty West was nowhere to be seen when he took the W.C. Fields mask off to hand it back to him and made a hasty retreat to his car and out of the neighborhood. He had been slightly concerned that some of those older women who feigned senility would recognize him as the Mr. Samson who had briefly rented the furnished house in the neighborhood, but mostly he had just wanted to flee Amanda's mother and find a place that didn't remind him so much of Hong Kong on Chinese New Year. He had driven past Monk's as he approached his Georgetown neighborhood and had decided to stop by for a nightcap. It had been so long since he had been in there, and he had thought that it would be just the thing to settle his rattled nerves.

Scanning his old haunt as he walked in, he was actually relieved to not recognize anyone, so he sat at the bar and ordered a scotch. Sipping the familiar drink, Lee was aware that it felt like his insides were vibrating. It was similar to the way he felt right before he was about to begin a serious mission. He couldn't decide why he was like that tonight. Maybe it was the raucous party he had just escaped in Amanda's usually stayed and subdued suburban neighborhood. More likely it was the fact that he had just had Amanda in his arms again. He had been looking for a way to return her "not exactly" for days now, and he thought he had found the perfect opportunity. Of course, Penny hadn't told him to give Amanda a kiss, exactly. Just to say "thanks". But he thought he could use it to his advantage. He could recall the glint in her eye as he had leaned in closer to her, and he could still recall the feel of her breath on his face and the way it felt to have her arms around him. Oh yeah, lately thoughts like that could make him vibrate.

Of course, these crazy nervous sensations could also have been caused by the fact that they had been abruptly interrupted by her mother. Something like that hadn't happened to him since he was in high school, and he had felt a bit like the cat getting caught with the family canary. Oh, hell. He wasn't sure exactly what was making him so jumpy at the moment, but being back at Monk's wasn't doing what he had hoped it would either.

He put his glass down and took a quick survey of the people around him. There had been a time, not so long ago, when he would have walked into this bar and immediately been able to pick out one or more women as a possibility for the evening. He could always tell if there was a woman in the room that would be interested in him, and he knew exactly how to get things going in a direction that would be interesting. There were a couple of women present tonight that were attractive enough, but not one of them came anywhere near to capturing his attention. In fact, he felt completely drawn to contemplating the golden scotch and the way it clung to his glass.

It was like the way images of Amanda throughout this last case were clinging to his mind. It didn't matter that he was at a busy bar full of Washington DC socialites who happened to work in the intelligence field. The only thing pulling at his attention tonight was a suburban mother surrounded by some crazy street party, her mother and two young sons. He really wasn't quite sure what to make of himself.

He did, however, know exactly what to make of Amanda during this last case. Francine had been worried about his flawless reputation when Billy had suggested he take Amanda with him to check out the auction. Lee had found that humorous. The days when he had worried about having Amanda at his side had ended a long time ago. Amanda was the perfect person to have with him. A bit too perfect it turned out. It might have been much more pleasant if she hadn't previously known Jill Holzman. It had been just a little too easy for Amanda to pawn that lecherous woman off on him in order to get a look at the contents of her clipboard. Ok, it had worked, and true, in the past Lee would have enjoyed the tactical approach. But the other day all he had wanted when he had reunited with Amanda was to take a shower.

To be perfectly honest with himself, he had been rather focused on finding a way to convey to Amanda that her "not exactly" hadn't fallen on deaf ears. He had been very eager to show her that his attempt to dismiss their intimate connection that night in the swamp had been a mistake. Being thrown as shark bait to Jill Holzman by Amanda was not what he had hoped for as he had embarked to pick her up that morning. He was determined to make every effort to be the gentleman. In fact, he had been so hasty to get out of the car and open the door for her that he had left the keys in the ignition more times than not. Now it had become a running joke between them. Only Amanda could take his clumsy attempts at gallantry and turn it into a humorous routine between them.

But there was so much more that he had discovered as he worked with Amanda on this case. He wasn't quite sure when the change had occurred. Maybe it had begun as they had worked together to figure out what Peter Sacker had been up to the other week, maybe it was her "no guts, no glory" comment. He was more than happy to let Amanda call the shots in areas that she was good at. She was great with people, and so it was natural to let her do the talking with the inspector at the O'Neil residence. And Amanda was the perfect person to interact with Penny. She was a natural at comforting people and getting them to open up. He was more than happy to let her lead the way there.

He did not, however, expect her to do the snooping, at least on her own. It had made him nervous to know that she was the one who had snuck up to the Escoffier office - alone. But he had been completely blown away listening to her rattle off that list of word associations as they stood there outside the Escoffier, their clothes dripping with wine. He almost couldn't anticipate her next move because she appeared to be growing bolder and bolder with her new skills. Attempting to follow Jean Pierre Henri on her own in order to find out why he was following her was crazy; he was glad he had found her before it was too late. But she had tried it and for the most part had succeeded at it. She had come so far from the nervous woman who blundered at everything during Station One training a year ago.

The mental picture that clung to him the most was watching Amanda as she explained to Billy and Francine how she knew where the wine was. He loved watching the baffled looks cross their faces. But his insides were vibrating again as he remembered exchanging glances with Amanda across that table. He was impressed by Amanda. He was drawn to Amanda. He could recognize now how his hand was always gravitating toward her; it was around her waist or on her arm or hand as they discussed something. She was like a magnet for him. He had rushed to open the car door for her, eager to extend his hand to help her in and out of a car. It wasn't some action he did because he wanted to give a signal to the woman who was his choice of company for the evening, he valued her. He didn't want something from her; he wanted to let her know she was special to him.

He was attracted to Amanda, and the way it was making him vibrate all over was completely unnerving to him. He was scared by what all of these new sensations might lead to, Dotty West and all. Never before had he taken an interest in a woman who had a mother around that could interrupt a moment or sons for that matter! Not to mention a partnership and a friendship that could be ruined by one wrong move. Thoughts like this could completely paralyze him, but he had never been one to get bogged down by introspection. What he experienced when he was with Amanda seemed completely natural and right. And he was a man of action. He just didn't know what action to take in this situation.

He had been so engrossed in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed the woman who had slipped into the bar stool next to him. Becoming aware of her presence, he had turned and looked at her. His thoughts had been so intent on Amanda's open, smiling, honest face that looking at the painted woman in front of him whose hair color had definitely come from a box and who had been poured into her clothes completely jarred him. Before the garish blonde could open her mouth to form any words, Lee had placed his bills on the counter and had exited the building. Monk's was not the place for him, not tonight. He was better off at home with his thoughts. He was happier shooting the breeze with Amanda in a deli eating a BLT than anywhere else right now. Maybe tomorrow they could check out that new sandwich place around the corner from the Agency during their lunch break.


	15. Window Reflections Sour Grapes

**7**

 **Window Reflections**

 **Sour Grapes**

Somewhere on the periphery of her senses she could feel the throbbing of the neighborhood and see the flashing of the lights from the block party. She could hear Edna Gilstrap's cackle and her mother's hearty laugh joining her. She was glad that her mother had gone out to join the party, for more than one reason. Maybe Buck had been right and the neighborhood needed to become a bit livelier. Mother certainly would love to enjoy a fun filled evening with her neighbors. Amanda was sure she would come home with some fascinating stories to tell. But right now Amanda was fascinated with something completely different than the novelty of the raucous costume party outside her home.

Lee had just left her backyard. That was nothing new; he often came by to deliver the last bits of information about a case they had worked on. But he had never delivered anything like what he had tonight. And she was trying to figure out what she made of it. Lee had said that Penny had told him to give her something personally. At first she couldn't figure out what he had meant, but then she had caught the gleam in his eye and felt him lean in towards her. Once again, she hadn't hesitated. He was going to kiss her! And she was going to let him – if Mother hadn't come through the door! That had definitely killed the moment and created quite a flutter of nerves to rise up inside of Amanda. It was nerve-wracking enough to have Lee Stetson initiating a kiss on her back porch; having Mother break in upon such a moment was completely embarrassing, especially because she had probably thought it had been Buck's neck that her arms had been wrapped around. Ooh! The questions she would have to field now.

But it was Lee's response when Amanda had questioned him after Mother had finally left that was fascinating her right now and causing the noises of her neighborhood to recede into the background. She had asked if Penny had really told him to give her a kiss. And that completely incorrigible and exasperating man had smiled his brightest "Scarecrow" smile and had said, "Not exactly." Without skipping a beat, he had placed the W.C. Fields mask back over his face, turned on his heel and had disappeared back into the party. Amanda had floated back into the family room and closed the French doors on the outside world and was still standing there with her hand on the door handle trying to figure out what to do about the silly smile on her face that she could see in her reflection from the door.

He had used her very words and turned them right back on her! And she laughed despite her agitated state, when she realized that now she was probably asking the same questions that she had hoped Lee would have asked himself after she had leveled her "not exactly" at him just a few days ago. Why exactly did Lee suggest that Penny had wanted him to give her a kiss? What exactly was he trying to do? Was he playing games with her? Was that ok with her, was that ok for their friendship, for their partnership? It appeared that Lee did want something from her, or with her, she wasn't sure which. She had to admit that there was a part of her that was on cloud nine about that, but there was a greater part of her that was scared to death about it too.

How could she have a relationship with a man that she had to hide from her family? It was hard enough hiding the nature of her job from them. But if Lee became an even more important part of her life she wouldn't want to or be able to keep hiding more and more from them. And if Lee did become an integral part of her life, it would affect them too, and they wouldn't even know it. Would Lee want to become that much of a part of her life and her heart? Was that what his attention tonight was about? She wished she didn't keep coming back to that question. Even though in reckless moments she would love to throw caution to the wind and just go for whatever it was that he was suggesting, she couldn't. The risks outweighed the momentary thrill every time she thought of it. She just didn't think she could handle another heartbreak. The dissolution of her family through the divorce had been hard enough to accept. She knew that because of the way she cared about Lee, if she was to open her heart to him, even a little bit, she would be doomed to fall all the way in love with him and she would inevitably get hurt again. She was sure that Lee would never want a pre-made family, and he would never be content to stay put and make a home with her. He was an intelligence operative after all. His life was full of travel, danger and elegant women.

And yet, every rational thought couldn't stop the giddiness she felt whenever she thought of the look on his face as he had leaned in to kiss her tonight. That brief, interrupted moment really had just been the culmination of many sweet smaller moments during this last case as they had worked together. If she had been worried that her cunning "not exactly" had created any tension between them, she was sorely mistaken. They hadn't missed a beat while working on this last case concerning the Chateau Monet. In fact, she couldn't think of a time the two of them had worked so well together. This was the first case that Amanda had really felt as though she and Lee were operating as a real equally balanced team. It had felt wonderful!

She had felt completely at home as they had visited the auction set up. She could see Jill Holzman lock her eyes onto Lee the moment she had seen the woman approaching. It was just too easy to throw him at her and it had worked, too. She had been a bit surprised that instead of criticizing her method of securing the information needed, he had only asked for a cure for shark bite. When was the last time Lee Stetson had resented the attention of a woman? The way he had let her do the explaining to the investigator at the O'Neil house had been different as well; usually Lee did all the talking and Amanda just nodded. She believed that he trusted her instincts, but maybe now he trusted them enough to let her lead with them in different situations. She was a people person; communication with the inspector and Penny were logical areas for her to take the lead. It was thrilling to her to think that Lee not only recognized this but had enough freedom in his trust in her to let her go a bit and lead.

Of course, maybe he still didn't want her sneaking around on her own though. He hadn't seemed so happy when she told him that she had gotten a look at that list up in the office at the Escoffier. It was a good thing that she had though, and he must have thought so too because he never brought it up again. She laughed to herself as she thought of the look on his face as she had run through her list of word associations to remember the names on that list. She had really perfected that skill; it came in handy all the time. And then she groaned as she thought of the look on her mother's face when she had come back home in her ruined dress after drowning it in wine. Oh dear, more things to try to not have to explain to poor mother….

Allowing her thoughts to wander on through the rest of the case, she couldn't help thinking about how she had successfully follow Jean Pierre Henri. She had been pretty proud of herself for having the guts to do that. She was going to have to work on that a bit more though; she still couldn't figure out how he had noticed her. She was just glad that, once again, Lee had shown up. And here was another moment where, in the past, he would have gotten much more agitated with her than he had this time. He told her that she was crazy to try to follow him, but at the same time, she had a feeling that he was proud of her for her attempt.

The moment that she had enjoyed the most during this case, however, was the way Lee had allowed her to explain to Billy and Francine how she knew where the case of wine was. She had let herself dwell on the look on everyone's face as she described how she had made the Mr. Twilly connection a few times already since the case had been closed. A moment like that was something she had been dreaming about for a long time now. Francine had seemed baffled, Billy had looked impressed and Lee… well, the look on Lee's face was enigmatic to her, but she thought he was definitely proud of her. He must have been because he had been pretty adamant that it should be Amanda who was to make the bids at the auction. Oh, that had been fun to take her place at a high society function like that and to bid so much money on a case of wine. She hadn't even been nervous when Cecilia had grabbed her at gun point. She had known that Lee and Billy and Francine had been right there, and that Lee had her back. She knew that she was a real part of the team on this one.

And all the time that they had been working with a give and take of ideas and skills, she had felt a comfort and warmth with Lee. He had been so attentive to her, so much so that he kept forgetting his keys in the ignition in his haste to get her car door for her. It made her chuckle just thinking of it. She could feel the firmness and heat from his hand as he had guided her up to Congressman O'Neil's house on their first visit. His hand wasn't in its customary place at the small of her back though; he had wrapped it firmly around her waist, all the way around her waist. It had taken her by surprise the other day, but she hadn't let on. Now, in the privacy of her family room, she could feel the heat rising in her cheeks as she thought of it.

Maybe she didn't have to think about every eventuality of what seemed to be changing between them right now. Her worries about the aftermath of the events that had occurred in the Virginia woods the other week had come to nothing. Maybe she could just relax and trust the friendship that she and Lee had built over the past two years. She had always trusted him with her life, even from the very beginning. Maybe she still wasn't sure if she could trust him with her heart, but he hadn't asked her for that. They had created a very wonderful friendship and they had been through a lot together. She was pretty sure that Lee valued it as much as she did. She could trust that, couldn't she?


	16. Scotch Thoughts Reach for the Sky

**8**

 **Scotch Thoughts**

 **Reach For the Sky**

Lee extended his hand and took the glass of scotch that Billy had offered him. Sitting down on the couch in Billy's office, he watched as his boss perched himself on the edge of his desk. It was nice to have everything back the way it was supposed to be. Billy had spent the day sorting out the messes that Francine had made, Francine had spent the day eating the proverbial humble pie and he and Amanda had enjoyed watching her, even though he had felt a tad sorry for her. Every once in a while over the past few years Billy would call Lee into his office for a chat. Lately, their friendship had changed a bit. Now that Lee had the Q bureau, he and Billy were a bit more like peers, even though Billy would always retain his superiority. Maybe the new element in their work relationship was because Lee had let go of some of his reckless behavior, and now the two men could see eye to eye more than they used to. Whatever the reason, this evening Billy had called him into his office as everyone else was calling it quits for the day. He had wanted to say "thank you" to Lee for going out on a limb to bring him back in.

As Lee sat listening to Billy, his thoughts wandered back to the other day when he had first realized that Billy must have been in trouble. It wasn't like Billy to be late, especially for Amanda's level one operative test. He would have known how important that test would be to her. It was seeing Dr. Smyth in the bullpen that had really gotten his hackles up. As he sat here listening to Billy thank him for going above and beyond Agency protocol to rescue him, he was reminded of Smyth's words as he stood in this very office. Smyth had sounded critical of Billy when he had suggested that Billy had let his personal feelings for a friend get in front of the Agency's safety. Lee had never completely respected how Smyth directed the Agency, but it was true that when anyone signed on with the Agency they had sworn to cease being motivated by sentimentalism. An intelligence operative was expected to take on a life that was compartmentalized and objective. After his experiences of the past few days, Lee was questioning the wisdom and effectiveness of such an expectation.

If Billy hadn't risked his life to justify his friend's memory, they never would have stopped Cyclops from stealing a billion dollars, Billy would be dead and there would have been a big international mess on everyone's hands. Sometimes it had to be okay to be motivated by more than politics and international espionage. Lee had always known that there was more to what he did than that anyway. It was like Amanda had often reminded him; this job was ultimately about protecting normal people. And what he was realizing right there as he sat in Billy's office sharing a scotch was that he, Billy and all the rest of his colleagues were entitled to a little bit of being normal people as well. Something about this last case had really brought that home to him.

He knew that Smyth had given him a window of opportunity to get Billy back unofficially. Smyth had a reputation of being unofficially humane, even though officially he was a nursery rhyming automaton. Stepping into the role that the director had given him had caused Lee to recall all of the moments in the past two years when Lee had walked the line between his role as an agent and his concern for Amanda, the civilian that Billy had initially thrust onto him. But this time it was Amanda that was going to be at his side to recover Billy. And she was determined to be at his side even if initially he had thought it best that she wasn't. Actually, he hadn't really been able to dissuade her from being there; actually, he hadn't really wanted to talk her out of it; in fact, her reasoning for sticking with him had been rather amusing.

It wasn't supposed to be a "we" case. Smyth had made that clear. But it sure had become a "we" case. Who was more unofficial than Amanda? Ha! Who indeed! How was he supposed to argue with logic like that? He had once told Harry that she had instincts that he had really learned to trust. While the two of them had been trying to rescue Billy from Canaan's secret offices, he had allowed himself to completely rely on those instincts of hers. It had been so natural to work like that with her. He had never even thought to second guess her choice of directions or the way she would choose to confuse the security guards they ran into. They had truly become a "we," a team, hadn't they?

Turning his attention back to Billy, he heard him mention something about how great a job Amanda had done. Billy hadn't worked directly with Amanda in a while, and he really was impressed with her skills. Lee found himself nodding in agreement and then slipped back into his own thoughts as he heard Billy remarking what a great team the two of them made and how wise he had been to pair them up all those years ago.

He and Amanda had changed each other hadn't they? He had marveled at her repeatedly during this case. First in amusement at her comebacks about why he should take her with him and then at her eagerness to be a part of the action. But there wasn't a power struggle or even the need to take care of her like he usually felt. Amanda was a well-balanced part of their cohesive team now. And he loved the way they could joke and banter even while working a delicate case, even if it was about breaking into the kappa house in college. Man, working with her was fun! It was comforting too. There were a few moments during the past two days that had been upsetting. Lee wasn't used to letting himself get so off guard that he could get bested like he had after Billy had been taken. Having Amanda to talk to as a sounding board for his frustration was so helpful, she had helped him to refocus quickly.

Billy was talking now about how relieved Jeannie had been that Lee had called her. He was thanking him for taking his family's concerns into consideration. It was hard on a family when something like that happened. Jeannie had known all about the risks that Billy encountered when they had married, but it didn't make it any easier. It wasn't something one ever got used to, even if you had lived with it for a while. And then Billy began to get thoughtful himself. He was remarking that he had never regretted his decision to marry and have a family. It kept him grounded in what was really important in life….

As Lee slowly sipped the scotch and absentmindedly acknowledged the truth of what Billy was saying, he couldn't stop his thoughts from remembering moments and impressions of Amanda during the last two days. He had enjoyed the comradery of helping her study for her test, and the two of them conspiring together against Francine as they snooped through this very office. He could easily recall the way it felt to have Amanda straightening his tie in the hallway outside the bullpen as they discussed the case; it had been a comfortable closeness, and at the same time, an exciting touch that was unfamiliar to him. He could feel it deep inside his chest every time he looked into her eyes as they made decisions or talked about what to do next. He was aware of it again as he sat next to Amanda on the park bench and watch her play checkers with TP and as he marveled at the earnest enthusiasm that shone from her face as she said that she would supply the sixth sense as he got them on that hidden floor.

It was so easy to merge their growing friendship and increasing partnership. Was that just a natural part of working closely with another person? Or was that a special part of whatever it was that was happening between the two of them? Whatever it was, he thought it was a good thing. For so long, maybe Lee had been becoming a bit like Smyth, all about the job. Maybe now he was becoming more grounded in what was important in life, like Billy. Maybe having a partner that was more than just a professional colleague was an asset. She kept him grounded in what was important in life; she kept him real. She was someone to talk to and balance out his fears and frustrations with. She encouraged him when he got discouraged and motivated him when he was tempted to spiral in on himself. And partnering with Amanda kept him in touch with the normal people he worked so hard to protect. Doing things like taking Amanda's hand as they walked past the guard he had shot, knowing that she was trying hard to be brave about it, had actually helped him to keep a part of him alive. So many agents he had known had become disconnected from what real life was all about. Having Amanda at his side had kept him from that; he knew that it was true. She made him a better agent and she was becoming an amazing partner. Even Billy had noticed that.

Billy must have also noticed that Lee's attention was diverted. He was mentioning that the missed night of sleep was having a toll on both of them. It was time to knock off for the night. Tomorrow they would hit the files that were piling up in the Q. It was time to reopen that office officially. Billy was going to make Lee the head of this new department, and he should feel free to use Amanda as his assistant. She was great with organizing information; she should prove to be a real asset to him up there. Yeah, Lee chuckled as he placed the empty glass on the tray next to Billy's desk, she sure was an asset. And with a slight grin on his face, he wondered why it had taken him so long to figure that out.


	17. Window Reflections Reach for the Sky

**8**

 **Window Reflections**

 **Reach For the Sky**

She was exhausted and could feel the heavy weight of the missed night of sleep settling in on her, but as she sat in the breakfast nook drinking a cup of coffee, she gathered together her last bits of energy for this one last ordeal ahead of her before she could sleep. After wrapping up the Cyclops case this morning, she had returned home briefly to change clothes. The boys had already left for school, and her mother must have gone out for coffee or something. She had been glad to avoid Mother this morning. She hadn't been quite ready then to deal with the tumult her absence last night had created amongst her family. She wanted just a bit more time to enjoy the way she felt after this last case before she tried to sort out that mess.

She had headed back to the office immediately after freshening up this morning to help Lee write the report for the case. Because it had been an "unofficial" one and she hadn't been officially authorized to be on the case, they had to choose their words very carefully. When they had felt as though they had written an ironclad report, one in which even Dr. Smyth could find no loophole, she and Lee had gone out for an early lunch.

Now, as she sipped her coffee and let her gaze extend through the kitchen windows, she allowed herself to relax a bit as her thoughts wandered. Lunches with Lee were quickly becoming one of the most enjoyable moments of her day. It had been so long since she'd had true adult companionship and what could be better than to share it with your partner at work? They could easily talk about anything, from their current case to silly stories from their pasts. She was almost certain that their growing friendship was an asset to their work together in the field. It seemed as if the two of them were really clicking now as a team. She felt such satisfaction in both her work and their professional partnership. And even though the past few weeks had included moments that might be bringing a new dimension into their friendship, they didn't seem to interfere when they had to focus on a case like this last one with Billy and Cyclops. In fact having Billy gone missing and Mother disappointed with her had been enough to deal with, she was glad that being with Lee was still so easy.

It had been nice of Lee to help her study for her test, and his confidence in her ability to ace it was a perfect indicator to her of the changes that had occurred in their friendship and partnership over the past year. Early on in their acquaintance she had hoped so much for his approval of her work, and now she knew she had finally gotten it, even though Lee had seemed impatient as they waited for Billy. She could tell that something was strange in the bullpen as she noticed Lee's increasing restlessness as the minutes passed and Billy had not shown up. She was sure of it when Lee had suddenly directed her out of the bullpen. But she trusted him completely now, and it was easy to take his lead and work with it. In the past she would have felt as if he was brushing her aside; yesterday she knew that he would bring her up to speed if he needed to.

She loved helping Lee, whether it was being on the lookout for Francine as he scoured Billy's office for clues, or being able to convince him that she was the perfect unofficial partner for his unofficial case. Now a days, it didn't take much to convince him. If fact, she was pretty certain that he liked having her around as much as she liked being around. He had even said she was right about being the perfect person for this case. Little automatic actions like fixing his tie as they discussed the case didn't seem awkward any more. It also appeared that Lee had finally stopped trying to sequester her away from the action. His request that she go back to the Agency and do the research while he broke into Zorbel's apartment really wasn't a "stay in the car, Amanda" request, it actually was very suited to their different skills. And even though he had told her that she was lucky when she guessed at answers and used her intuition, he had allowed himself to rely heavily on that sixth sense of hers when they had finally gotten onto Canaan's secret floor. He hadn't really even argued that he didn't need her, he had only smiled and gotten into the driver's seat. Their partnership felt like a hand in a glove at the moment and it made her happy.

There were a couple of times though when she had thought that she might have gotten herself in over her head this time. The moment Lee had finally gotten that elevator going to that hidden floor, she'd had a second thought about volunteering to be the first one off, but her confusing ramble had flowed the second she stepped out of the elevator. That had felt great, and she was on a roll; they were on a roll… until Lee had shot that guard. In the past two or more years she had seen more death and violence than she had ever imagined. She had also seen Lee use a gun; in fact, she had even used a gun. But never before had she been in such close proximity to Lee as he had shot multiple rounds of an automatic weapon at someone like that. In that brief moment her confidence had faltered. Maybe Lee had sensed it too. As he had grabbed her hand it had felt to her as though he was reassuring her that she was still safe, safe in the situation and safe with him.

But those had been the only two moments that she had felt fear and doubted herself. She had been aggressive in her pursuit of the job and it felt great! Maybe she had responded a bit to Francine's barbs by so forcefully joining Lee. Really, Francine could be brutal sometimes! Calling her a superfluous body and criticizing her missing boss by questioning why he "encouraged this spy fantasy" of hers could only be explained because Francine must have felt that she had the authority to speak her mind in such a tense situation. It was a good thing that Amanda knew that Billy and Lee both felt otherwise about her work at the Agency. If Francine had said anything like that even six months earlier, it would have probably shaken her resolve. Now, Amanda knew that she was not "just passing through."

And, oh, what sweet justification it was to come back after lunch and find Francine in a fire storm of her own creating. Sometimes Billy had a wicked sense of humor. Amanda never liked being mean to others, she always wanted to believe the best. But Francine sure had been rather mean to her while she thought that she was in control of the bullpen. Lee had been right, power had corrupted her and maybe she did need a taste of her own medicine.

Amanda took another sip of her coffee and turned her thoughts towards the mess that her absence had created at home. She had never missed anything that her boys had been a part of, and she felt completely awful about missing Jamie's play. She could still feel the sinking of her heart into her stomach as she thought about her mother's tone of voice on the phone when she told her that the play had been that night and she had missed it. She had always known that there could come a time when she would have to make a choice between her job and her responsibilities to her sons; she had just been glad that she had avoided such conflicts up until now. Putting aside her guilt and going back to join Lee and Billy had taken a lot of energy, but she felt as if she had handled it in a professional matter, and she was proud of that.

Maybe this problem at home was like Francine's difficulties while she was responsible for the bullpen? Francine had taken on too many different things that she wasn't used to doing. Amanda was no longer just trying out this Agency lifestyle while Mother filled in. She was more aware now that she was in the right spot professionally than ever before. But because of the time that she spent working with Lee at the Agency, her mother had taken on many of the responsibilities at home. Maybe she had allowed Mother to take on too much and it was beginning to confuse her. It had been months since Amanda had gone through the paperwork that the boys had brought home from school. Her mother had been unpacking things and putting dates on the calendar. Amanda's knowledge of events had been going through Mother first, and Amanda knew she needed to apologize to them all for allowing things to get so out of hand. She could tell that her mother had let some resentment build up. They both needed some time for their private lives, and they needed to reassess the responsibilities for the household. It was time to recreate some order in her home that worked for this new stage of life. They were all going to have to make some adjustments. After all, the boys were older now and could be more independent. Granted, she understood that there were going to be times when she had no control over the timing and demands of a case, and that was going to be one of the costs that she counted in order to do this work that she loved so much. It didn't really surprise her anymore that she was willing to count the costs, even though her mother's disapproval and disappointing her sons were some of them. They would all make it work - Mother, the boys, herself and even Lee. It was all going to be great. Maybe it was her "sixth sense," but she could just feel it


	18. Scothc Thoughts JE Ghost

**9**

 **Scotch Thoughts**

 **J. Edgar's Ghost**

It seemed like an eternity that he had stood there leaning on his desk, gazing at Amanda's beguiling face. He had been so tempted to just lay a real kiss on her lips, but at the same time he could feel an invisible boundary between them that held him on his side of the desk. They had agreed on a time that he would pick her up around the corner from her house. She had declared it a deal, and then she had turned and headed out the door. It had taken him a while to settle down after Amanda had finally left the office. He had downed his cup of water, walked back over to the water cooler, filled it up and drained it a couple more times before he had felt ready to go sit back down at his desk.

Once seated, he picked up the offending picture and just stared at it. Three years ago seemed like a life time, and it was easy to notice how much had changed in his life since then. That picture had been taken at Kelsey's, the very bar in which he and Amanda had first seen Nick Cross with Agnes the other day. Lee had frequented it often back then, looking for companionship and excitement. He knew about the "lonely hearts patrol" first hand. He had rubbed elbows with Cross there years before. He knew that Cross was a scoundrel of a man who preyed on lonely women like Agnes. He was glad he'd finally been able to apprehend him; he had no respect for a man like Cross.

Working with Captain Ronson had brought up other thoughts about his past. It had never fully occurred to him that he could have ever been in Ronson's shoes - having a child out of wedlock - but he could have been so easily. He had probably only avoided it by a stroke of luck as thin as a hair. So many things in his personal life had changed over the past year, and thinking about Ronson and his choices and circumstances only made it more clear to him that he was in a whole new world when it came to the way he thought of the relationships in his life. And that realization had made him a little uncomfortable while he and Amanda had worked on this case.

As he thought about the past few days, he realized that he had been kind of cranky with Amanda. He felt badly about it. He didn't like listening to himself be short tempered with her. Hearing his own responses to her in Billy's office, he sounded as if he was being competitive about their skills like he had in the past before he had learned to appreciate the strengths she possessed and used to contribute to their cases. He knew Amanda would be the best person to talk to Agnes, and he knew he could blame his attitude on the fact that he was agitated by the way things were currently in his relationship with Amanda. He was in a stalemate with himself because he was becoming aware of the strength of his feelings for Amanda and didn't know what to do about it, or even if he should do anything about it at all. After having a couple of "almost kisses", the progression of any personal relationship between them had stalled.

He loved having her as his assistant while they briefed the rest of the team on a case; it was nice to have her eye to catch and to see her smile her support of him. He had always enjoyed showing her new things like Kelsey's. In his memory of the past, it had been a place that he had enjoyed, and he thought it would be fun to share it with her. It had been a whole new sensation smiling and exchanging pleasantries with numerous women while he and Amanda were standing back to back. He had enjoyed feeling the presence of her warmth there with him.

But as fun as it was for him to have her at Kelsey's with him, her apparent discomfort had only highlighted the fact that if anything was to progress between them, it would have to happen in a way that was really very new territory for him. He knew that he wasn't interested in his old ways; he was interested in Amanda. But he had no idea how or if he should try to move them forward from the great friends and work partners that they had become in order to initiate something more. Not doing anything was beginning to cause him frustration, and he was afraid that could sour the friendship that they had with his crankiness. Truth be told, he never could stay aggravated with her for long. Even the other day he could feel it slipping away in Billy's office when she looked at him with that innocent expression and her, "Well, that will be alright with you."

In the midst of his own personal quandary he wasn't really able to be sensitive to Agnes as he and Amanda revealed to her the truth of Nick Cross' intentions with her. Lee had always pursued matters of the heart practically, it was best that way. Emotions were messy things. Look at how they had exposed Agnes to hurt and weakness. He had relegated emotions to a foreign land that he had sworn never to return to. The problem was, ever since Amanda had come into his life, he kept finding himself dealing with emotions, whether they were fear or anger, or any other of the myriad of emotions Amanda King could conjure up in him, and often he had felt so lost because of them. But then, there in Agnes' apartment, Amanda had opened up a window on that foreign territory for him. He wondered if she had even known that she had. She had only been talking about how they should handle Agnes and the facts that they were uncovering about Cross and the security leaks. He hadn't had time to mull it over earlier. Her words had just echoed endlessly around in his head since she had spoken them. Putting the old photo down, he slowly sipped the clear cool water from his cup, closed his eyes and let himself explore the idea she had opened to him.

He could hear her voice as clearly as if she was still standing in front of him. He could see her beautifully expressive brown eyes looking at him, looking straight into him. "Lee, we're talking about love. When you're talking about love, you have to be patient."

Sometimes she showed him things without even knowing it. As he stood there in Agnes' kitchen it seemed as if his whole world shifted, and he could feel pieces that had been swirling around in a storm inside of him fall into place. It didn't bring him any more peace, but it was as if all the questions and glimpses he'd had about the changes that he'd sensed in himself and in his relationship with Amanda could now form a clearer picture. It was a bit as if the past few months were like an abstract cubist painting and all of a sudden it looked like a Rembrandt. In the light of Amanda's words, things seemed to make more sense.

Love? He let the full force of the word slam into him. Was that what he felt for Amanda? Was he talking about really, truly falling in love with Amanda? He had known that he cared for her; he'd known it since he had carried her limp body down the stairs of James Delano's house and stayed by her side in the ambulance until she had regained consciousness, or the time he had committed treason to rescue her from the Russians. He had been fighting his attraction to her for just as long. He could easily remember the jolt he had felt as she had stroked his face in her car on that stake out as they waited for Francine to ready herself for the drop in order to free Raul, and the heat between them when she had been trying to place his role in her life when she had gotten amnesia. He could easily conjure up the way it had felt to kiss her at their wedding in San Angelo. The attraction and the caring had never gone away, and now they were joined by a friendship like he had never known before. No one had stuck by his side through thick and thin like Amanda had. He had grown to trust her in ways that he never could have imagined trusting another person. What about the way he couldn't resist being around her or touching her or the way he felt just now as she teased him with the blackmail photo? How about how scared he felt when she showed up at the exchange during this last case? And then how proud he was when she had been there helping him and doing the very thing that would make the difference in a tense situation? Just thinking about her while he sat there at his desk made him smile, brought warmth to his chest and heat flush his body.

These feelings also made him want to hide Amanda in her safe suburban neighborhood while he ran for the hills. Love wasn't for Lee Stetson. He had spent years avoiding this. Anytime love had come into his life, he lost it. The only two times in his adult life that he had come anywhere near to thinking that love might possibly enter his life, he'd had his heart torn to pieces and rather violently at that. And now he was contemplating loving Amanda; his normal suburban housewife partner? But he couldn't hide from what he felt was happening between them. He had never been able to succeed at that, even though he had tried. He was done trying.

So, maybe he _was_ talking about love. He slowly let out the breath he had been holding and put his head in his hands and groaned. He had never felt at such a loss about what to do before in his life. Acting on any love he felt for Amanda would have to lead to permanence - marriage. He had never considered himself a good candidate for marriage. His job, for one thing would wreak havoc on a family. And marriage to Amanda meant a family! But if a romantic relationship with Amanda didn't lead there, it would lead to loss, and that loss would invade every aspect of his life. If they tried to move beyond their friendship and it didn't work out, they would lose their friendship and their working relationship would never be the same. That was a risk he wasn't sure he could take. Was she aware of that too? That thought brought to mind her quip to the man at the dumpster yard about trying to find an engagement ring. Did she even know how her words were registering with him?

But if Amanda's words could illuminate the landscape he found himself in, they could also direct him through it, like a map with directions. Ok, so what if hewas falling in love with Amanda? She had said, "When you're talking about love, you have to be patient." It made him laugh; of course Amanda's words would sound just like Emily's. "Patience and control." Weren't those the words that Emily had spoken to him; the words that he had hung onto and had helped him to become the agent he was now?

He had never used patience and control in a relationship with a woman before. In the past he would have spent time like this before a date thinking through every way he could act on Amanda's last line, "We'll take it from there." Right now "taking it from there" was taking on a whole new meaning. That was probably exactly why "patience and control" was the perfect tactic for proceeding with Amanda. He still wasn't sure exactly what he was comfortable with; so many of the thoughts that he had just had were enough to make him jump out of his skin. But it was almost as if the relationship with Amanda was going to evolve whether he was ready or not. So he might as well go with the flow. Isn't that what he had encouraged Amanda to do that night at Kelsey's? "Go with the flow."

Amanda had made it easy – she always did when it came to their relationship. Her coy blackmail scheme was a perfect way to break the tension that had been growing inside of him and end the stalemate he had found himself in. She knew how to play games with him, and it made him smile. It was fun watching her put some her spy skills to use and play with blackmail negatives that would cost him a dinner at Spencer's. He was glad he was laughing again. Dinner at Spencer's and then they could take it from there…. Yes, he could do that – with patience and control everything would be ok.

Draining the last of the water from the Styrofoam cup, he set the old photo aside and straightened himself up at his desk. He had better get some work done so he could get out of there on time and be ready to pick up Amanda for their blackmail date. He couldn't control the excitement that was welling up inside of him at that thought.


	19. Window Reflections JE Ghost

**9**

 **Window Reflections**

 **J. Edgar's Ghost**

After leaving the Q that afternoon, Amanda had hurriedly finished up any loose ends that she had at the office for that day and went home. She had made sure that there was a snack ready for the boys, and when they had arrived home from school, she had dutifully checked their book bags for any notifications. She then made sure that she had prepared a well-balanced meal for them and her mother. She had even made sure that popcorn was available for their movie time in the evening. It was Mother's turn to be at home with the boys tonight. They had talked the other week after the snafu with Jamie's play, and together they had come up with a system that left room for both she and her mother to pursue meaningful personal activities as well as making sure that the household ran smoothly, especially for Philip and Jamie. Her afternoon routine also made it certain that she would not have any time to spend thinking about what she had just initiated with Lee earlier that day.

But now she was standing alone, in her living room, looking out her front window, waiting to see the telltale lights of Lee's Corvette turn around the corner and pull up at the curb in the next block. She could hear the sounds from the movie in the family room. Her home was in order and full of contentment. She was dressed comfortably, yet she knew that she also looked pretty. She had liked what she saw in the mirror as she dressed for their dinner at Spencer's; she just couldn't get her insides to feel as put together as her exterior look though, and she really wanted them to.

Oh boy, the blackmail scheme that she had come up with this morning had seemed playful enough. All that she had wanted to do was lighten things up between herself and Lee again. He had seemed a bit cranky the past few days, and she wasn't sure why. Things had been changing between them over the past few months; they had definitely gotten to be even better friends, and there were times when she had wondered if something more than friendship was growing. After all, he had tried to kiss her twice, and they would have if they hadn't been interrupted both times. But lately, other than some lunches together, things seemed to have settled down between them. She had convinced herself that she really was ok with that. She was determined to be content with the close working partnership that she and Lee had forged. She hadn't used that old photo to get Lee to take her out to Spencer's tonight in order to move their relationship into a more personal romantic one.

Last night as she had thought about the past few days, she could remember a couple of things that she had said that might have made Lee uncomfortable, and she wondered if that was why he had gotten cranky. As much as she had disliked being the bait on a hook at Kelsey's and the other bars, she could tell that Lee wanted her to get in the mood and have fun just like he did there. That bar scene was something that he must have done regularly. She had felt ridiculous there, feigning interest in strange men who repeated the same line to woman after woman. It was a silly pastime, but she had wanted to do a good job for the case. It hadn't occurred to her that her attitude could possibly have made Lee cranky. And then on top of that she had made that comment about love and patience. All that she was trying to do was explain how she felt Agnes' situation should be handled, but gosh, there was such a loud silence after she had said it. The look on Lee's face she still couldn't forget; it was as if his eyes had bored right through her. She wasn't sure why he had reacted like that. She hoped he wasn't thinking that she was taking things between them too seriously and dropping hints about love. Well, it was true that love required patience. And that did apply to their relationship - whatever it was - even if it was just about their partnership and friendship. She sure had used a good deal of patience with Lee and he with her over the past few years, and she knew that she loved him as a friend and partner. She also knew that Lee cared for her that way too, she was pretty sure of that. And then, as if the first two hadn't been enough, she had to tell the man at the dumpster yard that they were looking for her engagement ring. If there was one impression she had no intention of giving Lee Stetson, it was that she was trying to get him to fall in love and propose to her.

So she had decided to show him that she could go with the flow and have fun, just like he had mentioned that evening at Kelsey's right before they had seen Nick Cross with Agnes. It wasn't hard to find a somewhat incriminating picture of Lee. It was even better that it had been taken at Kelsey's. Francine had been more than happy to oblige. Maybe she had thought that showing Amanda some of Lee's antics at the gin mills would somehow get Amanda back for her comment at the briefing meeting. It didn't matter. It was worth the look on Lee's face when she had produced it earlier today.

It had worked. Seeing the dimples on his face was even better than she had hoped for. But she was still trying to maintain the upper hand, even now, as she thought about how he had leaned across his desk. It was as if he was drawing her in and she was helpless to resist it. But she had to. Lee might have been becoming a great partner at work and friend outside of work, and she really did trust him and appreciate him and had grown to really love him in those roles, but she knew that there was no place in her life for more with a man who enjoyed short term relationships and the flirtatious bar scene. She was glad she had been able to get him out of his cranky mood and show him that she too could play the game if and when she wanted to, but that was as far as she could let it go with Lee. It had taken all of her will power to extract herself from their standoff, over his desk. But she had done it. As much as she didn't want him to think she was one of those girls who would just fall for him, she didn't want to actually let herself fall for him. There was too much at stake.

After spending so much time with a heartbroken Agnes over the past few days, she could easily remember how it felt to be left alone in love. How often had she, herself, looked in the mirror and wondered why she couldn't keep the man that she had loved with her. She could remember the pain all too well of realizing that what you thought was real love had turned out to not be enough. She wasn't going to let herself fall for a man who couldn't be what she needed him to be, and she wasn't going to delude herself into thinking that she could change anyone to be the kind of man that she required. She had worked hard over the past few years to heal and become strong. And for the first time in a very long time she was starting to feel really beautiful both inside and out. Maybe part of that was actually due to working with Lee. She had grown so much more confident. As her mother had said the other night, she was doing things today that she never would have earlier. She was taking time for a real cause, and she did feel wonderful.

But now she was standing there looking at her "beautiful" reflection as she waited by the front door for her friend, her partner, the most handsome man she had ever known. He had a reputation as a playboy, he was a world-travelling bachelor and he was one of the top spies in the world. He had tried to kiss her twice in the past few months. He had become her best friend. And she had just played the blackmail card and had gotten him to take her to Spencer's for dinner. And then she had said they would "take it from there." Oh boy! What had she been thinking? She could only imagine what Lee Stetson would be thinking about a coy comment like hers. Was she really ready for that? She had only been trying to loosen him up again, play a bit. Well, she wanted to show him that she could go with the flow. Maybe she had wanted to see what would happen. She really couldn't resist Lee Stetson. Ugh.

Now all she could think about was that look on his face as he had leaned across his desk. Was he looking like he wanted to kiss her? She could only take so much of that. She was all twittery inside now, desperate to feel cool and collected as she waited. And there were the lights of his car! She was just going to have to really go with the flow. Maybe those instincts of hers would tell her what to do because she had no time to think about it now. Yelling a quick goodbye to mother and the boys, she closed the door behind her and headed to Lee's waiting Corvette.


	20. Scotch Thoughts Flight to Freedom

**10**

 **Scotch Thoughts**

 **Flight to Freedom**

He was tired, so very tired. But it was a good tired; the kind brought on by plenty of fresh air and sunshine and a relaxing evening sail up the Potomac. Lee sighed with contentment as he stretched his arms out across the back of his sofa and propped his legs up on the coffee table in front of him. It was late, and he was ready for his evening scotch, but the bottle was across the room, and he was too tired and too comfortable now to get up and pour himself a glass. What was it about sailing that was so relaxing? He was pretty certain it wasn't just being on the boat; he knew it had also been the company that had been so relaxing and enjoyable. That thought brought a huge smile to his face.

After finally acknowledging the real depth of his growing feelings for Amanda the other day and the turmoil that confession had incurred on his private thoughts, he had been very relieved that they had been able to enjoy a comfortable dinner together at Spencer's. That was one of the things that he had really grown to like about being with Amanda; no matter what was going on inside of him, being with her made him comfortable. She must have been watching for him because as soon as he pulled to the curb around the corner from her house she was at the car. He had been a bundle of nerves all that afternoon and evening as he was preparing for their dinner, but the moment he was in her presence all the tension and apprehension just melted away, and he was free to just be Lee with Amanda. "Patience and control", "going with the flow", "taking it from there" all came naturally because he was with Amanda. Nothing spectacular had happened between them, just a pleasant evening between two very close friends, but to Lee it was the first step on a very new, very lovely, but rather scary, road. Not letting go of Amanda's hand as he helped her out of the Corvette and clasping her hand in his as they walked into Spencer's together was almost more physical contact than he could take because that simple gesture had been so full of meaning to him. He had wondered if she had felt the same.

The next morning, however, he had almost been tempted to think that those tentative first steps had been taken in quicksand. It wasn't anything that Amanda or even he himself had done. It was what had happened to Bart and Colleen. These two colleagues of his had attempted to mix a personal love relationship into their lives as war correspondents, and it appeared as if they'd had it torn out of their hands. It was just another example to Lee of why he had protected his heart for so long. Listening to Colleen go on believing that the man that she loved was still alive had been a very hard thing for him. Really, being practical was the safest way to approach life, and once again, Colleen Donnelly was defying logic. She and Amanda really were rather similar in that regard. He was glad that he had been able to bring Amanda along to help him let Colleen down softly.

She hadn't helped the way he had wanted her to though. He could feel the smile creep across his face as he thought about it. Actually, Amanda rarely ever really did what Lee told her to do anyway, and things usually went better because she didn't. In the long run it had been a good idea to let Colleen go to the Senate hearing, but at that moment, it had only made Lee's job more difficult and made him worry about Colleen's emotional state even more. He hadn't even noticed that he had taken Amanda's hand in his as they had walked out of the convalescent home together until he had to let her hand go in order for them to enter the car. Even now he wondered if Amanda could sense how much he treasured that connection with her. His hand just gravitated to hers. He was glad that they could work a couple cover at the docks so that he had an excuse to continue to take her hand in his.

Being aware of the fact that the feelings that had developed in him for Amanda were so deep and so strong hadn't made things any easier for him though. There may be deep currents of a strong emotion and attachment, but it hadn't changed some of his prejudices about Amanda's skills and experience. Finding out that she was a more experienced sailor than he had taken him by surprise; he wasn't used to Amanda besting him in something. After adjusting to that shock, he had also realized that there was a very good chance that the two of them would have to spend the night on the Mata Hari. Alone. Together. Once again, his initial response had been to become short tempered with her. He knew now that he responded like that because he didn't feel as if he had enough control over his emotions in the situation that loomed in front of him; being alone with Amanda on a sail boat with this new awareness of her made him feel very insecure. What he needed was a plan, and so he had made one.

Grapes, wine, cheese, candlelight and some friendly conversation – with a table between them was the perfect set up for spending the evening ahead. As much as Lee was inexplicably drawn to his partner, there was no way he was going to let there be any room for them to slip up and ruin anything. Thinking about being alone with Amanda on that boat all night made him feel as if he was standing in the shallow water on the steep bank of a very deep and fast moving river. He was being drawn into the depths of that current and yet he was desperate to keep his head above the water. His only hope was to stay in the shallow waters until he could get the courage up to take that deep breath and take that plunge. But until, then he was going to avoid stepping on any slippery place that would cause him to be catapulted into the depths.

Only some of his apprehensions had begun to dissipate once they had boarded and set sail. He was learning more and more about this woman who had become his partner and was evidently working her way into his heart. The more time he spent with her the more he realized there was so much more to know about her. Being surprised at her sailing skills was just the tip of the iceberg he had realized. For all the time they had spent together, he really hadn't learned much about her outside of their work together at the Agency. And in all of that time, he had always been the leader. It had felt odd and yet exciting to let her captain their short sail. He wondered what it would be like to let her lead sometimes, to defer to her and let her call some of the shots. At that moment against the backdrop of this case concerning Bart and Colleen, these thoughts had caused him to feel more tension about growing closer to Amanda, and her joyful suggestion that they spend more time sailing together had only turned those screws of tension more. He had wondered if he would ever be free of this tug of war inside of himself.

That tension hadn't controlled him for long though; he was beginning to recognize that it never did when he was with Amanda. That was how more than two hours had slipped by that night after they had seen the Cummings turn in for the night on the boat next to them. He had been completely enjoying the pleasant conversation with Amanda. They had talked about every subject under the sun it had seemed, even things he had hidden from others like his fear of absolute darkness at night. Sometimes he wondered if they would ever come to the end of things to talk about, but they never did. Even a stretch of silence was comfortable between them. He really had been surprised when Billy had called, and he had looked at his watch. It pleased him that Amanda had also not noticed how much time had passed. Yesterday, after they had docked the boat, she had mentioned that his suggestion that they pretend to be just a couple of fun-loving old salts sailing up the Potomac was a bit flimsy. He had responded that they would just build on it. Maybe he had been talking about what he would like to do with Amanda. Maybe a world class spy and a housewife was flimsy? Maybe this hope that something good could happen to him in a personal relationship was flimsy, just like he had thought Colleen's hope that Bart was still alive was flimsy. But maybe, just maybe, he and Amanda could build on what they had developed in the past two and a half years?

The words he had said to Billy had kept returning to his mind. He had been trying to convince Billy to get some action going to help Colleen, but somehow they seemed to signify a turning point for him as well. Colleen had chided him about being ever practical. That was how he had addressed everything; it was what had been pulling at him the day before and making him feel tied up inside. But he had told Billy that sometimes you have to throw away logic and play your hunches. Colleen was doing that as she held out hope that Bart was still alive. Was he doing that as he was beginning to let himself feel and act on the emotions for Amanda that were growing inside of him?

He didn't really feel a need to find the answers to any of these questions at the moment. Gone was the tension from the day before. All that was left was this contented exhaustion and images from the past two days, like sitting across from Amanda eating grapes and sipping wine, just enjoying the freedom to talk – about anything. He could easily picture the look of disbelief on Amanda's face as he kept lighting that blasted candle, and yet, she had left it burning for him in the end. He could feel her hands pushing him back into the fight with the Senator's goon. Her resourcefulness never ceased to amaze him; she had left him a message on a life preserver and made a flag to alert him of her position in the Triton club. She had even held a gun on the men remaining until he could come back with the Senator. And she could sail a yacht.

Bart was wrong. He had said that Lee never changed, that all he was ever focused on was work, work, work. Well, he was wrong! Maybe in the past that was all he had let himself care about, maybe he could change, maybe he had? Maybe he didn't have to make everything about work. As he had turned away from Bart and Colleen's loving reunion, a new hope had dared to rise inside of him. Maybe he could take a risk with his heart and try this thing with Amanda. In his memory he repeated that conversation with Amanda outside of the convalescent home earlier that day," I have to sail the Mata Hari back to its own slip," "Need a hand?", "I think I might", "Love to." She would love to! Yes, they will do that more often. This was the way to build on things with Amanda, nice and slow. After all, he had all the time in the world.


	21. Window Reflections Flight to Freedom

**10**

 **Window Reflections**

 **Flight to Freedom**

Amanda relaxed into the arm of the couch, stretched her legs across the cushions and let her gaze blur on the backyard through the French doors. The house was still and quiet because no one else had returned home yet from their day's adventures except her. She had no need to prepare any food because her appetite had been filled by the tasty onboard meal that Lee had prepared. She was contentedly tired from sunshine, fresh air and good company. It had almost seemed as if it was another woman who used to be so at home on boats because it had been so long since the last time she had been able to be out on the water like that. She had always loved sailing. During the summers while she was in high school and college, she and her father would crew on sailboats up and down the Potomac. Those summer sailing adventures were a significant part of her most treasured memories of her father. They included smells and sensations from a time when life was full of companionship and the wholeness of a complete family - before he had died, before she had become a wife and a mother, before she had been left alone to raise two young boys.

In the past, thoughts like that last one would have left her feeling empty and sad. She had always tried to keep from getting bogged down with negative emotions; she had needed to stay positive for the boys' sake and her mother's as well. Every once in a while she would feel a twinge of sadness though, and it was often when she was near the water. She would always chide herself because she had two wonderful sons that meant the world to her and the loving support of her mother. But she never could get rid of her hope for companionship and the strong, comforting presence of a man in her life. Losing her father and her husband so closely together had left her feeling a great loss in that area. Her mother and she had done the best that they could and most of the time it was enough, and yet, there were moments….

But tonight there was no hint of that old nagging emptiness. Nothing could diminish the contentment that she felt tonight. It was so complete, and adding to it was the tiredness from the sun and sea. She felt like she was in a half dream state. Closing her eyes, she could see Lee's face in front of her asking her if she would like to help him sail the Mata Hari back to her own slip. She could see the apparent hesitation and shyness in his eyes as if he was nervous that she might not want to join him. But nothing could have been further from the truth. She loved it that he was asking for her company; she loved it that he wanted to sail with her, and she had told him so.

She still wasn't sure what was going on between them. She had let her nerves get the better of her the other night as she had prepared for their blackmail dinner at Spencer's. Her suggestion that they have dinner and then take it from there had caused her to teeter between dread and excitement all evening long. But in the end, "taking it from there" had only meant companionable conversation and a wonderful sense of comfort and awe at their growing friendship. The only remarkable thing that had happened between them seemed so simple and innocent that she was still trying to figure out what it meant. Lee had offered her his hand like he often did when he had helped her from his car – and then he hadn't let it go. He had taken her hand in his larger, stronger one and had held onto it as if it was the first time he had ever held a girl's hand in his. His hand had even felt the slightest bit sweaty, and they hadn't spoken a word to each other as they walked into the restaurant. She still couldn't get the sensation out of her mind. They had held each other's hands numerous times, from very early on in their acquaintance, while running away from bad guys or bombs or in the woods. But they weren't running away from anyone or anything, this was an off the clock dinner date with no cover, and Lee seemed to have no intention of letting her hand go. She felt so girlish reviewing it over and over again in her mind, but she couldn't help it. She had no idea how to interpret it and what to do with the different ideas she had about what it meant to hold hands with Lee Stetson. All that she knew was that thinking about it made her insides do nervous summersaults, and at the same time, she relished the comfort that she felt when she was with him.

He had taken her hand again yesterday as they had left the convalescent home. His action had taken her by surprise, but she didn't want him to know it. It was easier for her to interpret his action that time when she could think about it in the context of the case they had been working on. From early on that morning, she could tell that something about this case was really bothering him. She knew that Bart and Colleen had been friends that meant something to Lee, and she wanted to be a support to him as they worked through this case. Even when he had gotten condescending about her sailing abilities, it hadn't swayed her resolve. She knew that there was so much more to learn about Lee, and being patient with him, even when he got short tempered, was the best way to get to know him.

Spending a night on a boat had turned out to be another way to get to know him better as well. There had been times in the past when they had been holed up for the night together and Lee had certainly been comforting, but he had never been as chatty as he was this night. She swallowed a small giggle as she thought of their quiet onboard picnic last night. Wrapped in their own blankets, munching on grapes and cheese and sipping wine while swapping life's stories was another moment with Lee Stetson, world class spy, for her to ponder. She had mentioned earlier that day that she had thought that his cover of two fun-loving old salts sailing up the Potomac was a bit flimsy. He had suggested that they could build on it. Had "building on it" been like her "taking it from there"? She couldn't believe that Lee Stetson had collected four black books of high society "friends" by holding hands and having wine and cheese chat sessions into the middle of the night followed by a candle that needed to burn all night to disperse his fear of the dark? Maybe she was getting to know a whole other side of Lee, one that he hadn't often revealed? Maybe Lee had really changed? Or maybe she was just that really good friend that he was comfortable hanging out with, and he had no intention of changing his behavior with the other women that he mixed with in other, faster circles? Maybe she just shouldn't give it a whole lot of thought.

All that she really did know was that she had a partner, a real partner… in her work at least. Lee wasn't a partner for every aspect of life like she still dreamed of having. But that was fine, she had never thought that would be possible with him anyway, and whatever was happening between them was a pleasant diversion to ponder at the moment, if anything. It was still so impractical to imagine their new comfort with each other would fulfill any of her other dreams, but he was a partner, now more than ever before. He had easily chosen her to help him speak with Colleen. She was the one to push him back into the fight with the Senator's goon. He had even shared his fear of the dark with her. She had kept her watch and awakened him in time to catch the Cummings. And when the Cummings had caught them searching their boat, he had told them that they were _both_ federal agents. And then Lee had left her at the docks to watch them while he had gone back to the Agency! She had been able to leave him signals even though she had been captured, and he had found her and grabbed that Senator while she had held the rest of the bad guys at gun point! And then the two of them had been able to reunite Bart and Colleen. Not bad for a couple of days work for the two of them.

The two of them…. It really did feel like the two of them were a unit. She had known that all that she had experienced working with Lee had changed her; it had given her something meaningful to do that she knew was making the world a safer place for her children. She had always dreamed of her life reaching beyond her little corner of her suburban neighborhood. Life hadn't gone as she had hoped when she was that young girl dreaming dreams as she sailed with her father each summer, but it had turned out pretty ok. And now, the one thing she was very aware of at that moment was that she didn't feel so alone in the world anymore.

She and Mother had figured out how to raise her boys and run her household together. She had even gained the confidence to try and do the fix-it jobs around the house. Ok, she didn't always get it right, but at least now when something broke, she didn't feel paralyzed and helpless. But now, for the first time since her marriage had begun to unravel, she felt she also had a companion to spend time with and get to know outside of work. Dinners, concerts, sails up the Potomac, meaningful and comfortable conversations, laughter and teasing – even about being the captain and who had to cook in the galley. Maybe someday she would find someone to embrace her whole family, but for now her friendship with Lee – whatever it was- was enough.


	22. Scotch Thoughts The Wrong Way Home I

**11**

 **Scotch Thoughts**

 **The Wrong Way Home**

 **Part I**

Lee stretched his long body out on the couch in his living room. Placing the empty shot glass on the coffee table in front of him, he pulled the blanket over himself and tried to relax all of the knots in his shoulders. It wasn't that he had done anything strenuous to make them tight (except for carrying all of Shamba's luggage all over the Agency and to his apartment) it had been this day. God! What a day today had been! And the ordeal was nowhere near over even now. He could hear Shamba and Joe King finally settling down in his bedroom. He had scrounged up every last piece of bedding he could find to make Joe comfortable on the floor in there. Joe had insisted that the prime minister get the bed. That had left Lee on the couch with a throw pillow and a blanket. But it was the easiest arrangement… at least as far as logistics went. After their late night planning session over coffee there was no time to find other accommodations for Joe. Having both of them securely bedded down in his apartment made it easier for Lee to watch over them and keep them protected. The only other option had been to put Joe at Amanda's, but there was no way he was going to let Joe stay there! It would have endangered her whole family. He couldn't help fearing that it would have endangered more than that as well. He hadn't been able to make thoughts like that one go away, and now that he could relax his vigilance for a bit, he was ready to sort through what he had been experiencing since that phone call had come into the bull pen this morning

Since early childhood, Lee had lived with the reality that the event of a single moment could change his life forever. He had lived protecting himself from those moments. Maybe he had even chosen to be an agent and live a life of danger because then he would have some control over the collateral damage of certain kinds of circumstances. But this morning he had not prepared himself for. Amanda's ex-husband had never been on his radar. Why should he have been? It wasn't until recently that Amanda's past and her heart had really been something that he had let himself be interested in, and Joe King had apparently been hidden away in Africa, so his existence and what that meant to Amanda had been one of the furthest things from his mind. But this morning his presence and the decisions that one man had made came crashing into Lee's life.

And because he had never really given any real thought to Joe King's existence he had been completely blindsided by his sudden appearance. In the past, he had always thrown up protective walls around his heart. This time he wouldn't even try to. He couldn't lie to himself and deny that his heart, his whole world even, hadn't been rocked when he saw Joe King's name on that computer printout. He knew instantly that anything that had the potential to hurt Amanda would also cause him pain. He wanted to be the one to be in charge of this case because it would touch Amanda so personally. True, he was her partner, but more than just because of that, he wanted to be the one to protect her from anything or anyone that could hurt her.

Maybe he had thought that the case was going to be easy? After all, Amanda and Joe had ended their marriage - it was over. Hadn't Amanda been the one to teach him to really know when a relationship was over? Maybe he had thought that all that Amanda would do is give him the inside information about Joe and he would be able to find him and straighten out the facts. Maybe he had hoped that it would be that straight forward, that cut and dry? So why had she defended Joe when he had asked her about their divorce earlier today in the office? It had caused a knot to form in the pit of his stomach. For a woman who had been left alone to raise two little boys he could not understand why she thought so highly of Joe. Why wouldn't she jump to explain the reason that their marriage had fallen apart? Why wouldn't she be honest and open with him? Why had she shut him out? Maybe it wasn't over between them? Maybe Amanda still had hopes and dreams that were wrapped up in Joe King? He had felt a desperate need to hear that their divorce was a final thing, that there were no bridges left for her to cross back to Joe. But even though he had tried to disguise his interest in professional terms due to the case, her reluctance to answer his questions had stung him and left him with that familiar hollow ache where only a day ago he had felt a warmth that had brought him so much joy.

After that painful moment in the Q, he had found it hard to focus on the case and not on his own confusion about Amanda. It wasn't until they had finished their walk down memory lane and arrived at the boarding house that Lee was able to refocus on the case. As they had looked for Joe in all the old places Amanda had listed, Lee could sense her bewilderment over Joe's involvement in the case, and all he wanted to do was concentrate on her, to help her process what was happening with Joe and the case and address her concerns for her family and its brokenness. Once he turned his attention from himself and placed it solely on Amanda, he could feel his fear and jealousy fading away, and his love for Amanda taking over – at least for the moment.

He had been glad to take some time out of the maelstrom that had surrounded them all morning. Being at Dooley's with Amanda had been the perfect place for him to focus solely on her and what she had gone through before he had met her. Looking back on their conversation at the table, he could recognize how good it had felt to just be with her, unselfishly focused on Amanda. And he wondered if she had sensed that. He had been so relieved that she had finally shared openly with him, and as she spoke, he thought he could almost feel her pain. It was there even though she had tried to hide it - the pain of broken dreams, the pain of being left, the fear that she wasn't enough for Joe. She had experienced deep pain, too, just like he had, and yet, she had never gotten cynical or self-destructive like he had. She had tried to make the best out of it, to be happy. He could see how much it had hurt her and how she had struggled to make her life the best it could be. She was one of the strongest women he had ever known. These were qualities that Amanda had that had caused him to love her, and he couldn't help what he had said to her. OK was not good enough for Amanda! She deserved the best and happiest home there ever was, full of love, not just for her boys, but _she_ deserved to be loved and cherished. And he had wanted to tell her so. But he hadn't gotten the chance. It was as if at that point he had come to the palpable truth of how strongly he felt about Amanda, and then the reality of the case and her past came crashing in on them with Joe's appearance, and she had run off chasing him. He only hoped she wasn't chasing the past or ghosts of her broken dreams. He had been left alone at the table, still feeling the warmth of her hand in his, but that was all. Amanda's hand was gone. Amanda was gone and the case was taking off without him. All that he had left was an annoyed inspector Shamba.

His relief at finding the two of them unharmed in the university library had only been mixed with the unsettled feelings of seeing them together and the suspicion that Joe was indeed guilty of the murder of the Estoccian Prime Minister. There were too many unknowns in every aspect of the situation, and watching Amanda and Joe walk into that old haunt of theirs hand in hand had almost been Lee's undoing. It had only been a few days ago that he had been the one over the moon at the sensation of Amanda's hand in his. His hand ached even thinking about it. It had taken almost all of his energy to walk away and let it go and get on with securing Shamba at his place with a glass of milk and a sleeping pill.

The tension would be too much even now except that he could still feel the warm sensation of Amanda's lingering touch across his shoulders. He had been able to sense that connection with her that he had grown so used to, and it had brought him some peace. He had seen the way she had quickly released Joe's hand when he had entered the room at the boarding house. He could sense the awkward tone of Amanda's voice as she spoke to Joe in a very familiar way at the same time she tried to pretend that she had only just met him this morning. As Joe knelt before the prime minister he apparently felt a deep respect for, Lee almost sensed as if his world had come back into a recognizable shape again. Amanda was there by his side, Joe was completely focused on the Estoccians. Maybe Amanda had sensed it too? Maybe that was why she had stayed by his side to help him in the kitchen to serve the coffee instead of staying with Joe as he discussed the events of the night of the attempted murder of the Prime Minister in Estoccia? Maybe that was why she had reached out to touch him like she had. None of it had been lost on Lee.

That cold, hollow sensation that had been in his gut since this morning in the Q was gone. It was replaced now with a peace that just existed deep inside of him because of the love he felt for Amanda. It was a new sensation for him. It wasn't there because of anything she had done or any promises she had made. It was just there warming him even if he didn't know what the future held. It was as if loving Amanda made him strong enough to handle whatever was going to happen, even if it meant that the King family might be restored. Because he loved her he wanted what was best for her. The question that he couldn't answer tonight though was what that would be. He could not see how Joe King could be good enough for Amanda. He had left her and her family already once before. Any man who could do that to Amanda didn't deserve her. But did Lee deserve her? Could he handle taking on the responsibility of a family? Was he a candidate to step into a place that another man had already left? Lee had never before considered himself that kind of a man. He wasn't sure he was capable of it even if he decided that it was what he really wanted. Being relegated to the couch was not the only thing that would keep him from sleeping tonight.


	23. Window Reflections The Wrong Way Home I

**11**

 **Window Reflections**

 **The Wrong Way Home**

 **Part I**

Amanda was in her nightgown, just standing by her bedroom window staring at the night. This day had turned into something that she never could have imagined it being when she awoke that morning. She was emotionally exhausted, and yet, she was so keyed up she knew she would never get to sleep if she didn't take some time to sip some warm milk and unwind the raveled threads in her mind. She kept staring out the window and then turning to face her bedroom door. Two thoughts were repeating themselves over and over, like a broken record. This was the window Lee had crawled through only a few weeks ago, that night they had sat together on her bed and electric sparks had flown through their hands. And that was the door Joe had angrily passed through for the last time years ago when Amanda had made her final decision not to go to Africa with him and their marriage had irrevocably begun to unravel.

She'd had to let go of Joe, because he had left her and the boys and their home together and had chosen the people of Estoccia instead. Sometimes, if she let it, the sting from the pain of her broken dreams could still take her breath away. She had never wanted to harbor bitter feelings, especially for the sake of the boys, and she had always felt as if she had done a good job adjusting and putting her best foot forward. She had adapted. But maybe her determination not to let the pain show had also made it hard for her to process exactly what had happened to their marriage and how she had felt about it. And now, today, here he was, back in her life because the people of Estoccia had turned on him. Had he run back to her for help?

Back then she'd been forced to let him go, to let their marriage go, to let her dream of a complete family with a home go. But it wasn't until today that she could really acknowledge that she had actually let him go completely. She had moved on. She cared for him, she always would, and she was glad that there was no animosity between them, but she didn't feel that immediate connection with him anymore. She didn't feel that sting of disappointed pain as if he was still necessary for her happiness. She looked hard at her bedroom door again. Joe King was the father of her children, but he was not present in any other part of her life, not physically or emotionally. There was an amazing relief that flooded over her as she articulated that thought.

But then her head turned as if it was being pulled by some invisible force to look back at the window again. If the jumbled thoughts and feelings that she had been anticipating to flood her from the first moment she had heard Joe's voice on the phone weren't enough to take her for a ride today, all she had to do was think about Lee and how all of this situation could affect any of the new dynamics happening between them, and she easily felt as if she had ridden a huge rollercoaster all day. She had only just begun to consider that there could be something more than friendship blossoming between them and even then she had felt hesitant about that. Not because she didn't know how she felt about him. She had been drawn to Lee from the beginning. It was just that she wasn't sure if his attentions were sincerely based on something real that was growing between them. She knew they were good friends; she just couldn't tell if Lee could have or wanted to have a real relationship with her or if they were just having a friendly flirtation.

But just as Joe's sudden presence brought clarity to her about the past, somehow it was also bringing clarity about the present. She hadn't felt the old strong connection with Joe all day. Instead she had become more aware of the very real connection she had with Lee. She was connected to Lee! Who would have thought that Joe's troubled situation would thrust him back into her life and bring such clarity to her? She had tried for all of the past two years to stay objective about the way she felt about Lee… but her ability to was waning quickly, and she had struggled for the past few months in a haze of thoughts and emotions and confusion about the feelings she had for Lee and where all of the changes in their relationship were taking them and how she should respond to that. But tonight, as she thought about Lee's responses today, she was beginning to see things in a different light.

Even though she had enjoyed the attention Lee had been giving her and the increase in the openness of their friendship, she had assumed that they had only been dabbling in some sort of co-worker flirtation - enjoyable and mutual. She just hadn't been able to imagine these changes to be anything else… well, she could imagine it, but that didn't make it any closer to reality. She had felt kind of protective in the Q Bureau this morning when Lee has asked about the divorce. Why did he want to know details about her greatest humiliation in life so far? It wasn't really pertinent to the case. He didn't really have a "need to know" about what went wrong. She couldn't really understand that pained expression that had crossed his features when she had refused to answer. She had felt uncomfortable that he appeared hurt, and so she had tried to brush it off with a joke. But that look on his face and the tone of his voice had haunted her for the rest of that morning.

And then he had asked again. He had been so attentive to her as they had wandered around all of the places that had held her memories of her past with Joe. Maybe Lee was experiencing what she had when she had been there weeks ago as he had explored painful parts of his past. He had told her then that it was important to him that she cared. Maybe she could give him the chance to be that kind of friend to her. Maybe she could open up. After all, it was no big secret. So she had, and the result of doing so had clung to her all day. She could still clearly see that look of pain that crossed his face when she told him about the moment that she had known that it just wasn't going to work with Joe. Could he see how much that had hurt her even though she had tried so hard to not let it show?

As she remembered his responses now in the quiet dark of her bedroom, she could feel the sound of his voice warm her from the inside out. Never before had she heard the word "housewife" spoken with such understanding and tenderness. She had grown accustomed to the word being spoken with derision. The way Lee had tried to understand the desires of her heart had taken her by surprise and yet she wanted him to really understand. It wasn't just that she wanted to be a housewife; she wanted a home and a family to fill it. And since Joe had left, she had worked hard to create that and now she really did feel like she had it, so it was ok. And she had put on her brave smile and was prepared to get back to the business of the case.… But then Lee had completely taken her off her guard. "Ok wasn't good enough for her." God! The look in his eyes could have melted her; she'd had to look away. And that was when she had seen Joe. And she hadn't even had time to think about what Lee had just said. She'd had to chase Joe. Catch him. Lead him to safety. And all that time the past was crashing into the present and she couldn't even think about what that collision was doing to the future.

But Lee's words kept echoing around inside of her all day, and tonight they were as loud as thunder. Could he really mean that? What was she supposed to do with that? Joe's decisions had relegated her to a life of "okay." But Lee had just taken the lid off of "okay." She had been desperately trying to view her life through the lens of what could make everything okay again for herself and for her boys. What did he mean by "okay was not good enough for her"? Could he be part of something more than okay?

Maybe she had been trying to protect her heart by reminding herself of Lee's past ways. She sat there thinking over the last few months, over all the changes in their relationship. She could feel the walls she had placed around her heart beginning to cave in. Something about having these two men side by side was showing her truth like she had never seen it before. She had protected herself from hurt by forging ahead in her life and jumping into the Agency work with all that she had. Having Joe suddenly show up here in DC in trouble and needing her help had shown her how much she had changed and grown. She could also clearly see how much of the past she hadn't really dealt with, maybe even had clung to. She had never really closed and locked the door on the past. Now she could see how much she couldn't go back to the way things used to be, she didn't want to. Now she had closure.

But having them together also showed her how much she and Lee really did share. The contrast was sharp, and she wasn't sure what to do with it. Seeing what she saw now did not help her at all know what to do. She knew that she couldn't hold it at bay for much longer, but first, she desperately needed to know if she could trust Lee with her heart and all it contained, including the boys. Could a man like Lee change enough to be the kind of man that wouldn't leave her? Joe had left her because he had chosen a job over his family, a job that took him all over the world and into situations that weren't conducive to raising a family. How much more dangerous was the job that she had chosen to do with Lee? How much more dangerous would it be to let herself fall in love with Lee? But she was afraid that was exactly what she was doing. Why was she always attracted to men who wanted to save the world?

Her thoughts and feelings didn't seem as confused and knotted up any more, but she still didn't know what her next step would be. Maybe she didn't have to know, she mused as she slipped between her sheets. Maybe she just needed to have the clarity of where she was. She was standing in a doorway like she was earlier tonight in Lee's bedroom as they discovered that the Estoccian Prime Minster was alive and well. Joe had rushed to kneel at the Prime Minister's side, and she was left to share a knowing look with Lee. Wasn't that similar to where she was in her life? It was she and Lee together, maybe even on a threshold of something new. She had sensed that togetherness this whole evening in Lee's apartment and she had wanted to let Lee know. Even though she had to continue the charade that the only person in that room that she had any previous knowledge of was Joe, she had tried to reach out to Lee. She was sure that he had understood, even as he watched Joe walk her out of his apartment as she left. She could still see the looks in Lee's eyes from throughout the day, and she could feel the heat from his back as she brushed her hand across his shoulders, certain that she could feel them relax. That was the image that she would fall asleep to tonight. Tomorrow was a going to be a new day.


	24. Scotch Thoughts The Wrong Way Home II

**11**

 **Scotch Thoughts**

 **The Wrong Way Home**

 **Part 2**

He didn't want a scotch, and he didn't even want to enter his bedroom because it was still in the condition the prime minister and Joe had left it in that morning and that made all of the difficult moments of the past two days fresh all over again. So instead, he was once again ending his day by sitting on his couch but this time with a glass of milk. The nights of drinking a glass of scotch and spinning the old web of denial were probably completely gone now. After all, wasn't that what he had been doing for… oh, a long time? No doubt he would enjoy a good bottle of scotch now and then, but the denial part was going to be impossible from now on. He knew it, and even though it frightened him to confess it, he didn't regret it. The thing was, now that he had let Amanda King touch parts of his heart that he had buried away since he was a small boy, it seemed that all of his heart was exposed. He knew last night that although they had discovered that the prime minister wasn't dead, they still hadn't been able to unravel why Joe had been set up and no one connected to him was completely safe. That meant that Amanda might also still be at risk. And there was so much more at risk than the details of case. He knew this case was affecting him deeply, but last night as he lay on this same couch, he never could have imagined how deeply.

The lid was off. Those harrowing moments in the gym had ripped away any last vestiges of self-protection that Lee had realized he used to protect his heart. When he had entered the gym and had seen Philip and Jamie being threatened by Prescott in order to get at Joe, it was as if he was immediately translated back to his boyhood. It was like he was standing outside of himself, watching his life flash before his eyes. He was one of those young boys, scared and threatened because somehow what his parents did for a living put all that he knew and believed to be safe at risk. At the same time, he was the grown man that he was and these boys were in his care. Joe could do nothing to protect them. But he could, he had to. And it was different than any of the other times he had been involved in a case that included children; it was different even than when he was protecting Alexi two years ago. These were Amanda's sons; he was connected to them in a way he had never experienced before just because they were hers.

He was beginning to realize that over the past two and a half years he had begun caring for those boys. As he had grown closer to Amanda, he had started to love what she loved, and she had made certain that he knew from the beginning how important her sons were to her. Had he been falling in love with her even as he was threatening Pretzel the clown with the IRS so that he would indeed show up for Jamie's birthday party? And even as he had an action figure flown in from Taiwan? He had been caring for them at the same time that their own father had left them to pursue his career in Africa. All this time he really had been falling in love with the complete picture of who Amanda was - a beautiful and brave woman who was also a mother. It was inextricably part of who she was and one of the reasons why he was drawn to her. This realization filled him with a warm weightiness, but at the same time, sadness was threatening to consume him.

That moment after he had subdued Prescott was still vividly clear to him. He had felt that great connection to Amanda and her sons, but he had also felt excruciatingly alone. In the past, being alone was the safest place for him; when he was alone, he knew that he couldn't hurt anyone and no one could hurt him. Back then, he was the lone wolf. Today, knowing how alone he was had ached. There he stood, all by himself, trying to catch his breath while the little group of people that he had grown to love and care for huddled together in a far corner, safe because he had successfully protected all of them. Amanda had gathered her loved ones to herself; he had fought with everything he'd had in order for her to do that. There they stood in that foursome, the foursome of her dreams. They were together again, reunited and safe once more. The boys didn't even know him; Amanda had to pretend that she had only just met him. And Lee stood there alone. That was the life he had chosen for himself, and for the first time, he found no comfort in it.

Amanda had confided in him yesterday at Dooley's that what she had really wanted was a home. Lee knew now that what he had really wanted all of his life was a home too. Not just an address but a place where he was loved and could love back. He had wanted it since his was torn from him all those years ago, and he had wanted it so badly that the only way to keep himself from the pain of not having it was to bury it deep down and pretend it didn't exist. And now, once again, he had allowed himself to feel how much he wanted it right at the moment that it appeared that any newly discovered hope for it could be taken away from him. Joe had returned. Would Amanda want to restore the family that she had dreamed about when she had begun her adult life with Joe? Ever since he had heard that phone call come into the bull pen, he had been trying not to think about it so he could focus on the case, but the way Amanda and Joe had behaved with each other had confused him this whole time. He could hear how much she respected and cared for Joe in the way she spoke to him and about him. She called him sweetheart for god's sake! But he was also certain that he could still feel the connection between Amanda and himself whenever they were near each other or touched each other or even looked at each other.

After the debriefings today he had gone back to Dooley's. That had been the last place that he and Amanda had been alone together. It had been while they were sitting there together yesterday while they waited to see if Joe would make an appearance again at the old haunt that he had really allowed himself to feel what Amanda had gone through. Where had that led? He had told her that a life that was just ok wasn't good enough for her, and since then he had wondered what or who was good enough for her. He sure hoped that she wasn't considering that going back to Joe would make life better than ok. He had wondered since then if he thought that being with Lee, himself, could create a life that was better than the ok she had settled for now. If so, what he did he want to do about it? He had been in scary situations constantly in his life, and he knew how to keep his wits about him and find a way through, but this was completely different! What he was doing now was contemplating a whole different direction for his life; this was about opening up his heart all the way - to more than just Amanda. To a family! He had been running from that all of his life. Could he really see it through? And if he really decided to become a "family man", where on earth would he begin? Would Amanda even consider him? There were just too many frightening unknowns to think about.

There had been another time in his life, years ago, when he had thought that he was deeply in love with a woman enough to want to spend his life with her. That time there had been another man in the picture too. That time he hadn't told the woman how he had felt; instead, he had let his fears dictate his actions, and he had let the other man win her. And it had turned out to be a good thing. He knew now that what he had felt for Eva hadn't even been love. It had only been some heady lust, something she had probably spun over him for her own nefarious purposes, politically motivated even. Her attention had all been because of his job most likely. But this time everything was different. What he felt for Amanda was real, and it had been building so slowly over the past two years. It was grounded in their friendship and had remained even though he had tried every way to deny it. He was as certain of it as he was that his old life had completely lost its appeal to him. But once again, there was another man in the picture, but this time he wouldn't let her go without a fight. If Amanda had to choose, he would let her know he wanted to be one of her choices. She was worth fighting for.

What made him different than Joe? He lived a nomadic life too. Joe had left her because his job was detrimental to family life; it wasn't that he had lost feelings for her or they were incompatible. It was because of the direction his life had taken. No one else should ever leave Amanda, he felt strongly about that. And since he had decided a while ago to be honest about his feelings for her he knew that he was falling in love with her. He was pretty sure he had passed the point of no return. There was no way that he was going to be able to look at Amanda platonically. Even though he hadn't even really initiated anything physical between them yet, every time he thought of her or looked at her he was stirred so deeply emotionally and physically that he had a hard time regaining his focus. She had touched a part of him that had never been alive, and now that it was, he couldn't imagine not having her around. She had brought a quality to his life that he had only dreamed of in secret, only when he let himself remember sensations and dreams from his youngest days with his family. But if Joe's job had caused him to let go of a woman like Amanda, what would Lee's job do? The only difference was that Amanda was involved in his job now. If he was to step out in this love, this new relationship with Amanda, if he was to invite her to join him and if she was inclined to join him could they walk the distance together?

The thoughts he was having while sitting there at Dooley's tonight hadn't gotten him anywhere, and the beer mug was empty, so he had gotten up to leave. He hadn't known that Amanda and Joe were there, but he couldn't help noticing them as he walked by. They were dancing. Maybe Amanda had sensed his presence; he hoped that was the case. She had pulled away from Joe and her eyes had found his. There it was again, the peace that flooded him whenever she looked at him. She was smiling at him; he thought she had a question in her eyes. He could feel that connection between them again. God, he really did love her, loved her so much that he really, truly wanted what was best for her. She had made him a better man, he knew that now. He also knew that he would do anything to be the man that she needed him to be. He was determined to show her, patiently and steadily. He had smiled at her with all the warmth and love that filled him every time he saw her and then he had walked out of the bar. He hoped she got the message he was trying to convey. He needed her to know. What he had felt at that moment still clung to him, even now, as he sat alone again in his apartment. He wasn't going to spend any energy worrying about Joe. Instead, he was ready to embark on the most important mission of his life and if he was successful, he knew he would be the happiest he had ever been.


	25. Window Reflections The Wrong Way Home II

**11**

 **Window Reflections**

 **The Wrong Way Home**

 **Part II**

It wasn't too late when Amanda walked into her kitchen tonight, but the house was already quiet. Her mother must have made the boys go to bed early. Maybe she thought that she was doing Amanda and Joe a favor by giving them some privacy in the house. She really needed to set her mother straight. As great as it was to have Joe around for the boy's sake, she did not want to give her mother any reason to encourage thoughts of a reunion between the two of them. Life would get unbearable if Mother got an idea like that in her head.

However, it had been a good thing for the boys to get to bed early tonight. They'd had a difficult day. With the attack on them in the gym and then seeing their father for the first time in years, they must have run the gamut of fears and emotions. Sending them to the baseball game with Joe after they had finished with the Agency team doing their debriefing had seemed like a good way to end the day. She thought that they seemed in pretty good shape, but she knew that she needed to keep a look out for any signs of post-traumatic stress.

She knew that she was ready for bed too. The past two days had taken her on a cross-country trip of her own emotions. But first she put the kettle on the stove for a cup of tea and went to sit down on a stool at the kitchen island to wait for the water to boil. She took a deep breath and slowly released every bit of tightness she became aware of in her body. Closing her eyes, she let her head fall back and tried to empty her mind of everything that had crowded in there over the past few days. All she could see, though, was Lee's smiling face and the look in his eyes as he stood across the dance floor at Dooley's. She'd had dreams like that. In her dreams she would be in the midst of something, anything, and she would sense his presence. She would look towards the sensation, and there would be Lee, just standing there watching her with that beautiful soft smile on his face. In her dreams it made her tingle inside, and she would always wake up in a great mood. Sometimes she would have forgotten the dream and remember it later in the day, other mornings it was as clear as day. Before a few months ago, having a dream like that would make a work day with Lee difficult because he wasn't often like that with her in real life, and she used to get mad at herself for letting those dreams affect her so much. But lately it had seemed like whatever that was in her sleep was becoming a part of her daily life. And tonight his presence at Dooley's had been just like those dreams; in fact, if Joe hadn't seen him too, she would have wondered if she was dreaming.

But the day hadn't started out like a sweet dream, it had been a nightmare come true. It was the one she'd had repeatedly since she had started working for the Agency and had been exposed first hand to danger. She had always wanted to protect her boys, that was one of the reasons she hadn't wanted to move to Africa with Joe. And during all this time that she had gotten more and more deeply involved with the Agency, in the back of her mind she had carried a fear of the danger that she was now exposing her family to. There had even been moments when she had felt like a hypocrite. But this morning her nightmares had become reality, and it had nothing to do with her work and she'd had no control over the situation. It had been Joe's work that had brought danger to them. It wasn't even the tumult in the African nations that Joe had been working in. Danger had come to the boys because of the good intentions that their father had been trying to act on. Maybe it was naïve to think she could have cocooned her family from danger. And, yet, what had brought them safety? It had been Lee and the fact that she had gotten to know him and the Agency closely enough to be in possession of one of their handheld communication devices. It was the position that she was in that had rescued them. It was the real and true fact that she could simply contact Lee and ask him if he was near. And he was. He was there for her, for her sons. He had been there for them from the very beginning.

She was just beginning to understand how much Lee really had been there for her, and not just for her, but even for her boys. She had always known it, but this morning in the gym his availability to her had seemed to take on a whole new dimension. It had become part of that connection that she was able to really feel yesterday as she had compared the way she felt around Lee to the way it had felt to be with Joe again after all these years. And yet, the connectedness she had felt yesterday with Lee seemed like a distant dream today as she gathered the boys and Joe to her in that corner of the gym while she watched Lee fight for them. At that moment, it had felt like Lee was a mile away from her, even though he had said that he was there when she had called him on that phone. Having Lee stand across the gym was far enough. She had wanted to shout to him, to run and throw her arms around him and thank him for saving her heart, her boys. But there he stood, once again the lone agent, offering his own personal safety to protect what was dearest to her. She had initially reached out to share her relief with Joe, but she just couldn't. It was Lee that she had wanted to respond to. It was Lee that she had wanted to be there with her in that family circle. She had tried to communicate all of the thanks that she felt as she looked towards him, but as she caught his gaze, she didn't know what to make of the look in his eyes. She had never seen that expression on his face before. He looked tired and resigned and even a bit sad. It had really struck her. She hadn't had the chance to see him again during that day as she ushered her family through debriefings. That last parting look of Lee's had haunted her all day.

She was glad that she knew the Agency so well because it had helped her to trust that her family really was safe, and so she'd had no problem sending the boys to that game with Joe. It was important for them to be able to rebond with their father after all these years. And it hadn't been a difficult decision to go get a pizza again with Joe, for old time's sake. Every moment they had spent tonight at Dooley's had been punctuation for closure. He could tell that she had changed. That had been so wonderful to hear. She had thought that she had changed, not that she had needed to hear it from him in order to really believe it, but it felt good all the same. He had taken her hand in his then, and she had half expected all of the old sensations to flood her again, but there had been nothing. She had moved on completely; she had suspected that to be true yesterday, but after the events of today, she was more certain than ever. She did not want to go back, and she was glad that Joe had given her the opportunity to say it out loud. The future looked great, whatever it held. In that moment, she knew that she was ready for it.

Back when Joe had left for Africa, she hadn't known that it was the end. One of the things that had haunted her was the fact that they had never really had a chance to say goodbye. Dancing with Joe tonight had been like that long needed goodbye dance. And it also felt like it was setting the stage for the future with Joe back in their lives as father and as friend. But all through the evening, Amanda had felt that last look of Lee's in the gym clinging to her. As she had been dancing with Joe, she could feel the intensity of Lee's look nearer and nearer to her and she had to look around. She could feel the magnetic pull to him even now. There he had been watching them dance, with that warm smile on his face. It was a dream, a day dream, she would have been sure of it if Joe hadn't looked to see what had caught her attention and had seen him too. Lee had turned and walked away and had left her with her breath caught in her chest. Oh, if she only knew what to do with the way he made her feel. She knew now that she could no longer sweep it away under a rug of denial. Even Joe could see that she had been affected. He had asked if she was sure she had only just met Mr. Stetson yesterday. Amanda never could lie. She had muttered something about having met him a couple of times while doing some clerical work for a film company. It was a clumsy attempt; she would have to ask Mr. Melrose tomorrow how to handle Joe. Maybe he had some sort of need to know. But what he had probably really wanted to know, she just couldn't tell him. She still didn't know herself. She was ready to go forward, but what she needed to know was whether or not Lee was going to be a candidate for going forward with her.

Placing her mug in the dishwasher, she went upstairs to bed. Only time would tell, time and patience. But she knew something great was ahead of her. She felt whole again. And she was wide awake and ready for whatever was going to happen next.


End file.
